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[ - ] You are married to a successful guy and live a comfortable life. Your siblings are struggling, but are equally responsible, just not as lucky or as intelligent. Do you help your siblings and their children with college and house downpayments? You are not working, so this would be coming out of DH's paycheck. DH is not thrilled, but open. 42 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:09 PM Flag
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Have they said anything to you? Have your parents said anything to you? Why should they feel entitled to your money? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:12 PM Flag
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No, they haven't said anything, but we know they are struggling to pay for college and keeping up with mortgage. I guess I feel a little guilty. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:15 PM Flag
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NP Have you ever talked about money? Or asked how you can help? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:47 PM Flag
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So get a job, and then you can given them the money you earn, instead of asking your DH to support not only your family but also your siblings. Of course your DH isn't thrilled, I am the (much) higher earner and if DH suggested this to me, I'd be livid, and I'd also refuse. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:17 PM Flag
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No. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:13 PM Flag
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^^We help with emergency medical treatment. That's it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:13 PM Flag
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Define struggling. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:14 PM Flag
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My brother is working two jobs. His wife also works long hours. Live in a modest home in the suburbs. Other sibling similar. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:17 PM Flag
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I might send the kids a $1k savings bond for Christmas each year. Tell brother it's for college and that it's anonymous. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:19 PM Flag
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np- how about contribute 1k to a 529 every year for them...though it could lessen financial aid in the future. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:37 AM Flag
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No. Siblings may act grateful but they’ll resent you, and expect you to always give and even increase it. And it could end up a source of friction between you and DH. Plus what if his family needs money? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:20 PM Flag
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This x 100 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:31 PM Flag
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You sound like the horrendous wife in Sense and Sensibility who talks her husband out of helping his sisters this turning them out. Of course I would help my siblings if I had the means! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:35 PM Flag
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It’s not your means to dispense. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:24 AM Flag
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What’s successful and Hhi. Ours is $350 and I gave my brother $30k for downpayment . I am not working either [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:29 PM Flag
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That seems really generous actually [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:33 PM Flag
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No. I learnt a long time ago that people are rarely transparent about their spending habits. If someone was on the verge of homelessness I would try to do something, but otherwise, no. Also I especially would avoid it if DH wasn't on board. What if his sister struggles to find childcare, would it be cool for him to tell her to drop her kids off with you? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:31 PM Flag
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Set up 529 for kids or contribute towards college directly? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:31 PM Flag
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This. If you have enough to send them to a state school, do that. Don’t make it something where they need to get money from you on a regular basis. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:45 PM Flag
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exactly [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:45 PM Flag
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I fit this description. Way more comfortable than my siblings. My sister took a real financial hit when her home was destroyed by hurricane Harvey. We gave her money just to help her recover. She’s fine now. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:33 PM Flag
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Describes us. We treat vacations and I send gift cards, buy movie tickets, etc. without DH noticing but they never say thank you and their entitlement grows. Their DCs are no different. When our marriage hit a hole, my relatives sided with DH, as if DH would adopt them as his own relatives. It was disgusting. Sorry OP. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:32 PM Flag
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If they make a request, consider it, but do not offer. I would almost certainly say no to house downpayments. Maybe if the kids are small set up funds for them, WITHOUT TELLING THEM ABOUT IT. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:33 PM Flag
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How comfortable? Yes I think the world is such a mess you should always help your family whenever you can. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:34 PM Flag
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Hard question. Because you want to help out but perhaps not create expectations of ongoing support. FWIW< mY father paid for his nieces' and nephews' college tuitions (granted, in the 70s, and in the midwest) rather than giving his brothers and sister the money directly. Just one example. But I do realize this doesn't exactly align, since he was breadwinner and they were his side of the family. GL OP! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:37 PM Flag
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What is wrong with you people?!? My friends sister is very well off and she gives her nieces/nephews plus their spouses and all their children the maximum annual gift every year! It’s around $15K per year per person. She has essentially funded all their 529s and paid a significant amount towards her siblings retirement. What kind of people don’t want to help their families? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:38 PM Flag
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She is or her husband is? Her relatives aren't spending the money on stupid shit? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:45 PM Flag
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I have 5 siblings and my dh has 4. Are you nuts? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:45 PM Flag
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Obviously not everyone can give at this level but putting money towards your nieces/nephews education seems like a lovely and honorable thing to do [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:04 PM Flag
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NP. I would have to have a truly enormous amount of money to be even close to comfortable with doing this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:20 PM Flag
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I would definitely help but in the form of specific gifts. I would never want to be in a regular support situation. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:46 PM Flag
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Is this just another way for you to show off how smart, rich, lucky, etc you are versus them. You’re going to hold this over their heads, right? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:55 PM Flag
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My sister is a widow (BIL invented something really well known.). She is a miser, has multimillions, and still wants to split the bill at lunch. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:07 PM Flag
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OMG. My BF from college is married to a near billionaire, who is so cheap (except when it comes to his immediate family, to his credit). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:21 PM Flag
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I’m the higher earner in the family but we do okay. Not rich but not uncomfortable. I know I’ll get flamed here but my brother and sister are religious fundamentalists and decided to have more kids than average and don’t believe god intended women to work outside the home. They struggle but I’m not supporting that. It was their choices and I have issues giving money to people for lifestyles I disagree with. That’s just me. They would be glad to take money in one hand and condemn me with the other. It’s a matter of principle. I wouldn’t let them starve but I won’t support the lifestyle. This is probably really off topic but OP’s question brought up old wounds. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:42 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:50 AM Flag
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Thanks for sharing [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 04:03 AM Flag
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ITA [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 04:37 AM Flag
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No flames here, I would absolutely feel the same. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:20 PM Flag
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Rewrite your post to be about yourself and your own question. Your hypothetical has no value. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 06:03 AM Flag
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I am the higher earner, I would be super pissed if DH didn't work and asked me to support not only our family but his sibling too. I have a super high stress job and worry about money all the time, I have given money in an emergency with no realistic expectation of being repaid (neither of our siblings seems to understand what "please lend me" means), but college and downpayments??? No way! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:16 PM Flag
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No because he is already supporting his own family. It’s wrong to dole out his income to others. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 05:56 PM Flag
[ - ] Need a downtown (below 34th St) recommendation for a restaurant to take my dad (age 80) and his wife. He's in great health except has a hearing aid, which is why I'm stuck. They don't like noisy, but i'm asking them to come into Manhattan because it's 2 hour roundtrip for me to go to them and I'm packing my apt. on a tight deadline. Last dinner before we move out of town for a couple years. He likes Indian, Korean, Japanese, healthful food. TIA!! 28 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:41 PM Flag
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I love Vezzo (30th and Lex). If you go early (5:30/6) it's not noisy. Also Stella in Macy's is lovely. Momoya is fun for sushi. The restaurants in Eataly are good. Quality Eats (Flatiron). Sarabeth's on Park Ave South. Blue Smoke on 27th. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:46 PM Flag
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Sorry I ready Indian as Italian! There are a whole bunch of Indian restaurants on "Curry Hill" (Lex in the 20s). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:48 PM Flag
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Haha -- I appreciated your list but yeah, I don't think he wants Italian. I want something more upscale than CUrry Hill. Has anyone been to Rahi or aRoqA? both Indian with kind of expensive menus but I'm OK splurging if it's delicious. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:54 PM Flag
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If you want to spend a bite, you can go to Gauonnuri in K-Town. It's upscale Korean, quiet, and on the 36th floor of an office building with floor to ceiling windows. If . you can nab a window seat, I would definitely go there! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:52 PM Flag
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Lovely! Thank you! I will check it out [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:02 PM Flag
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np: That's a good idea, esp for someone a little older--quieter and not so hustle and bustle. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:12 PM Flag
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This. but given construction, it was such a nightmare to access the last time I went. If that's improved, then great suggestion! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:40 PM Flag
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Franchia Vegan Cafe. It's Park and I think 34th. Very healthy and very quiet. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:55 PM Flag
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^^Asian fusion [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:57 PM Flag
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thanks [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:02 PM Flag
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NP: thanks for this! I’ll have to check that out. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:56 PM Flag
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Also, what do you think of Bombay Bread Bar? The menu looks unusual for Indian and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I like saucy curry type stuff but from my read of the menu many dishes look rather dry -- has anyone who's been able to tell me more? TIA!! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:59 PM Flag
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I like Bombay Bread Bar, but it is loud. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:03 PM Flag
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^^and you can get saucier dishes or drier dishes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:03 PM Flag
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It's very loud and not especially traditional. Cardoz is closing it at the end of September, so go now if it interests you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:07 PM Flag
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Wallse is very quiet and good. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:15 PM Flag
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But also Austrian. SO not quite was OP was asking for. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:41 PM Flag
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OP sounds like a dick and more of a troll if they only accept exactly what seems to have been suggested. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:43 PM Flag
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Huh? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:00 PM Flag
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Jungsik is very good high end Korean. It’s quiet. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:22 PM Flag
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Sarabeth's at 28th and PAS [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:57 PM Flag
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Woo Lae Oak on Spring near 6th, korean and quiet [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:46 PM Flag
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Peaceful and wonderful Japanese at Omen at 113 Thompson (between prince and spring) http://www.omen-azen.com/ [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:02 PM Flag
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If you consider simple fish healthful, try Aquagrill. Or for Indian, Tamarind in Tribeca is great and very serene. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:54 PM Flag
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Acquagrill is a little noisy, no? Tamarind is nice [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:09 PM Flag
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Thalassa is quiet. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:39 AM Flag
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The bar side (not the bigger deal) st Gramercy Tavern. Or Craft. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:06 AM Flag
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Thanks, UB! Except for the poster who called me a dick, I appreciate all of you for making these great suggestions. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:12 AM Flag
[ - ] What are some of your favorite topics to read about (not book reading, internet/article reading). 16 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:36 PM Flag
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Cooking and recipes [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:58 PM Flag
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Decorating and home Decor [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:58 PM Flag
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Real estate [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:59 PM Flag
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Psychiatry and psychology [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:00 PM Flag
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long form journalism true crime [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:01 PM Flag
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scientific discovery, anthropology, art history [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:34 PM Flag
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Politics, real estate, idiotic celebrity gossip. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:04 PM Flag
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College [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:47 PM Flag
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Politics, pop culture [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:09 AM Flag
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politics, education, television [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:17 AM Flag
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spirituality, new ideas in different fields, race and equality, travel, parenting [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:02 AM Flag
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Love Mormon family lifestyle bloggers (Love Taza, etc) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:08 AM Flag
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Go to bed, Naomi. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 02:59 AM Flag
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Fitness [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:21 AM Flag
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Math [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 11:48 AM Flag
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Birds, marine biology, decorating, architecture, travel [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:44 PM Flag
[ - ] Let's say you had a pinched nerve and got an MRI. What would the treatment be? 11 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:20 PM Flag
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Nerve where? I've had ice, elevation, rest and a sling for a shoulder nerve. For a back pain I went to a p/t and they did a series of maneuvers that seemed to loosen my muscles and let the disk get uncompressed. Also pain relievers. Sometimes a muscle relaxer. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:29 PM Flag
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Back. I tried PT and the pain only increased. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:38 PM Flag
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How long did you stick with it? Sometimes the pain increases initially but as the muscles strengthen it subsides. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:31 PM Flag
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This. I’m in the middle of this right now. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:07 AM Flag
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No back surgery. Listen to the podcast Dr. Death [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:32 PM Flag
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PT and anti-inflammatories [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:58 PM Flag
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it really depends. honestly, they usually just give you PT and naproxen for nerve pain. these thigs usually resolve within weeks or months if you improve your posture/movement habits. The MRI just rules out serious stuff, but is rarely impt because they can diagnose this without an MRI. They only need it if they are giving a steroid shot if you need relief and its been many months [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:06 PM Flag
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Hanging upside down from a gravity bar. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:08 PM Flag
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I always ask doctors this. Why spend $1500+ for an MRI if the treatment is to take anti-inflammatories and wait it out. There are deductibles to be met. Money is money. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 02:00 PM Flag
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Almost all Insurance companies will completely deny you an MRI until 6 weeks of PT. At that point, if its improving, you dont want one. You need one if its getting worse or not changing. Then you may want an ESI or to see if its a bone spur, some other issue that needs intervention. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 05:51 PM Flag
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the point is, you request one so by the time you have waited 3 months, you have an approval from insurance ready to go [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 05:52 PM Flag
[ - ] Ub help please, My Dh's sister has been out of our lives for a year and my Dh says he is happy. Now she wants to meet him (they tried this once every 2 years) and she still doesn't change. My DH is going to meet her. I told him, I don't want to hear it anymore because this is what insanity is, expecting different results. His sister is just incapable. Am i being harsh? 12 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:04 PM Flag
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What has she been doing to you or DH? Can’t DH have a relationship with her without her having to change? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:05 PM Flag
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She is manipulative, degrading, insensitive and has been a bully to him [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:12 PM Flag
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At the end of the day, it's still his sister and I'm sure it's disappointing to DH that this is how their relationship is. Support him and keep your opinion to yourself. He'll get there on his own. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:22 PM Flag
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preach [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:23 PM Flag
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Seconding. Well written! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:42 PM Flag
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Thanks. If you can’t tell, I’ve BTDT. SIL is an addict and been putting the whole family through the ringer for the last 10 years. DH just now is “done”. It’s hard for him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:42 PM Flag
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Your story changes with every post. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:11 PM Flag
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I agree, and this is how my relationship is w my sister. I know it's not easy but he needs your support. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:05 AM Flag
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Short of active abuse, I would say it is better not to interfere with his decision to try to have a relationship. Family may be the exception to that cliche about "insanity." [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:23 PM Flag
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It's his family. Not always so cut and dry. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:29 PM Flag
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Ugh, no, I don't think you're being harsh. I'm in the same position. My SIL is horrible. HORRIBLE. My DH cuts her off for several months at a time, she asks to meet, things are tolerable between them for a couple weeks, repeat. It's the worst. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:52 PM Flag
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No, you're not harsh--you're just sick of the loop. But he's going to have to be the one to end this, unfortunately. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:03 PM Flag
[ - ] Would anyone be willing to share some cover letters they've written that they think work well? I have googled to death and still am struggling. Obviously, I will need to make it my own and use my own strengths but would love to see some good examples. Thank you 15 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:00 PM Flag
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give us context. also 1) just introduce yourself and your objective 2) describe your skills and what value you can add - be specific 3) wrap it up. it's tedious but not that difficult [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:03 PM Flag
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I'm struggling with how to describe my skills and what value I can add in an organic way. I'm applying for assistant type positions in the entertainment field that typically involve writing (which is the bulk of my experience) and good communication etc. These are mostly entry-level jobs [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:10 PM Flag
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My past experience demonstrates my exceptional communication ability, especially in writing. My articles have appeared in [insert publications]. I believe I will be an asset to X Entertainment Company because I am an effective communicator. I work well with others and execute projects seamlessly. Blah blah blah [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:21 PM Flag
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this is fairly generic but i guess the idea is the cover letter is not make or break, gets you in the door, or doesn't turn anyone off at least [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:25 PM Flag
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Yes, it's generic. Fill in with your own experience and specific work history. A cover letter can get you a job. Agree, try not to turn people off. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:26 PM Flag
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^^if your writing has appeared in publications, maybe point out how well-researched and detailed they the articles were. were there any specific comment about your writing? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:28 PM Flag
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np: You want to show how you can work independently, with little oversight (this takes pressure off the individual). Calm, steady, works well under pressure. You throw in a couple of examples too. PA's often are in chaotic people's lives and are there to hold their hands and be the calm force. You should also tell them that you will be available to them off hours (PA's are needed 24/7). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:31 PM Flag
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thank you for all of the feedback and advice :) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:39 PM Flag
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YW! Here's just one example of a letter online: https://www.myperfectcoverletter.com/how-to/personal-care/personal-assistant/ I usually read a few that I like and cull together my own experiences from their ideas and make it my own. Sometimes hearing the "lingo" so to speak helps. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:42 PM Flag
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'I am a passionate communicator who wields words like a knife. Whether it is a press release or a script summary or simply an email, I work quickly and put the emphasis on being clear and succint, perhaps adding a tiny bit of style if merited. My communications skills extend to doing presentations and dealing with one on one with people as well, and indeed I believe that inter-personal skills are every bit as important as technical ones'. A bit over the top? But you did say it was in entertainment. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:49 PM Flag
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A cover letter is your chance to pick out phrases from the job posting and clearly state how you have the experience to perform X Y and Z. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:23 PM Flag
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Cover letter should address anything that resume doesn’t. Ie if your experience is not directly related to job you are applying for, significant gaps etc. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:33 PM Flag
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Go to Ask a Manager ( advice type blog ) and search cover letter in “topics” [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:17 PM Flag
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Check out The Muse website. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:34 AM Flag
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Whatever you do understand the cover letter doesn’t matter all that much, the resume matters more. I would default to shorter versus longer. Just knock it out and don’t think about it again. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:41 AM Flag
[ - ] Do you ever think having kids is selfish? 19 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:58 PM Flag
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My kid, no, because she’s awesome. But a lot of other people’s kids are definitely wastes of carbon and oxygen and goldfish crackers. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:59 PM Flag
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Ooh! Name names - please. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:09 PM Flag
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Well I’ve never warmed up to Piper, and I actively dislike Stella. Mostly indifferent to the rest, but I would adopt Lola and Nora in a heartbeat if they were available. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:09 PM Flag
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It's ultimately a selfish act because I doubt people do it for altruistic purposes. We are biological creatures though and it's normal to want to reproduce. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:04 PM Flag
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We used have children out of biological instinct. Now, we have the choice to have kids and we do it for entirely selfish reasons. However, being selfish is also a biological human instinct. NP [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:04 PM Flag
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OR: all true. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:58 PM Flag
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And I thought it'd selfish NOT to have kids.... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:21 PM Flag
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Yes [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:43 PM Flag
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no, but so what if it is [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:34 PM Flag
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When I see parents force/project their own agendas onto their kids rather than allowing them to develop into their own people, then I do think it's selfish [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:53 PM Flag
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Sure, sometimes. Parents who live through their children are, anyway. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:01 PM Flag
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Yes, it's always selfish. We have kids because WE WANT KIDS. What could possibly be another reason? I can't think of one unselfish reason to have kids. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:14 PM Flag
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This. It seems confusing sometimes because as much as we wanted it for selfish reasons, being a parent involves doing so much for that little person we created that all that caregiving etc. starts to feel selfless. But we have to remember we created the need out of our own selfish wants. It’s not as if we went out and chose to give all that care and concern and effort and love to a random abandoned stranger, from whom we expect and receive nothing in return. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:41 PM Flag
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Yes. Wiping butts at 2 am, gaining 40 pounds, sleeping 4 hours a night, carpooling all over the place, etc is so damn selfish [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:58 PM Flag
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yes but that comes AFTER the decision to have kids, and it's the decision that's selfish. You're not thinking about the work of caregiving when you decide to have kids. It's like how we say we want a baby... no one says "I want a defiant two year old, or a sullen tween". Taking care of kids is often selfless. Deciding to have them is selfish. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:08 AM Flag
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No!!!!! taking care of the kids we ourselves selfishly created is not selfless— it is our voluntarily assumed responsibility, a legal and moral obligation. Selfless would be to take care of a random orphan child out of our own pocket and free will, without having any connection with that child, and without expectation of any gratitude or love in return. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 05:35 PM Flag
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Of course it's selfish. You're doing it because it's part of your vision of how you want your life to be. None of our children have asked to be born. Not saying it's a bad thing, but for sure it's a very self involved process. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:40 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:14 AM Flag
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Pl see ask your question to the women of third world countries and report back your findings. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 02:10 AM Flag
[ - ] My cousin asked my DH to be godfather to his daughter. The reason was “ you are the only catholic male we know”. The sister of the wife is Godmother and is another religion. This happened years ago and DH accepted. We like the parents for the most part. Parents don’t include DH much in activities. If my DH does not initiate, nothing happens. My cousins are not religious and always make excuses to not hang out. My DH feels responsible to be in his god daughters life but is annoyed that these cousins do not initiate. They are a bit self centered. What would you do if you were in this situation? 20 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:45 PM Flag
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He clearly takes this role seriously, which is awesome. Unfortunately I don’t think the parents care, and there’s not much he can do about that. He could send her letters or emails when she’s older. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:48 PM Flag
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Op-yes. This is the 3rd god child he has and he loves them all. He also has great god parents. He feels like the parents are not allowing him to give her the same experience he had growing up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:51 PM Flag
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I'm not Catholic (DD goes to Catholic school and that's my only frame of reference) but I thought the duty of the godparent was to be a religious mentor. Like, it's not about hanging out. Also, I'm confused as to why the non-Catholic sister is the godmother. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:50 PM Flag
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Op-according to the parents in the Catholic Church, one godparent can be non-catholic but one has to be catholic. We found that to be odd. The sister is Presbyterian I think. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:53 PM Flag
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Are the parents very religious? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:03 PM Flag
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Not at all. DH is not hyper religious but he is a very good man and roll model. They just wanted to baptize her and basically used DH. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:12 PM Flag
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*role [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:32 PM Flag
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OK, so what's the big deal. Move on. Volunteer at church if that's important to dh. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:33 PM Flag
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read [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:14 PM Flag
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DH was asked to be a godfather under similar circumstances since he’s catholic. I believe if you have a catholic baptism, the child needs to have named catholic godparents. He was essentially the godfather in name only for the baptism (which he didn’t attend). The child has a non-catholic “real” godfather who actually plays the part, which suits DH just fine. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:04 PM Flag
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I’m not Catholic; but if this is ok, why would they not just permit the real godfather to be named? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:41 PM Flag
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Nope, just need a baptized Christian, signed Episcopal godmother to several RC children. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:42 PM Flag
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"Need" for what? What is going to happen if they break this clearly useless rule? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:07 PM Flag
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They actually demand to see your baptismal certificate, before will allow you to participate as godparent in the baptismal service ( whether RC or other Christian). Boy did that take some digging!!! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:33 PM Flag
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Thank you. So, like I said, useless. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:58 PM Flag
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Your husband seems like a very responsible and awesome, but my experience of godparentage has been very much show up for the event and that’s it, then you go back to being a regular uncle or cousin or whatever. I’m an atheist who was baptized catholic, and that’s how it was for both my brother and me. My DH is very religous and churchy, and he’s the same — he barely knows one of his godchildren and is still in touch with one but didn’t step in with advice when she was in crisis because it was “none of his business.”. And when I asked about his nieces and nephews he couldn’t even remember whose godfather he is or is not. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:05 PM Flag
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Often this is a token tribute and not much needs to be done. It varies on the family. I am in a very Catholic family and these god-parent roles are very loosey-goosey. Your dh is making more of it than needs to be made. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:33 PM Flag
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I am Catholic (very Catholic family) and have a couple of godchildren but cannot say I treat them differently than other nieces, cousins etc.. My DH is Catholic and is godfather to one of his nephews (born when he was in his 20s and not that into it) and he is pretty sure which one it is but not 100% sure (they were born within a couple of years of each other and apparently the baptisms ran together for him). Sad I know but the nephews are grown up now and really no one cares. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:57 PM Flag
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^^point is it is really kind of ceremonial, even in religious families, and your DH should let it go [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:58 PM Flag
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Op- He is not thinking too much about it. My cousins want DH around for events only where gifts are involved. It is tacky. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:14 PM Flag
[ - ] Is it common for you and your close family members to still send a gift if they did not attend a milestone party? Ex:Baptism, sweet 16, communion, bar mitzvah, confirmation, baby/bridal shower, wedding, etc? Have you ever been surprised by someone not sending a gift if they did not attend? 8 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:38 PM Flag
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We don’t have most of those in my culture. With a wedding, if it’s one I would have attended but for some logistical problem, I send a gift. Have been invited to a couple weddings I declined and didn’t send a gift. And once I wanted not to send a gift because the bride never thanked us for an engagement gift, but DH insisted. Still no thank you, so we didn’t send a baby gift when the time came. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:45 PM Flag
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^^Re receiving gifts, I haven’t kept track. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:46 PM Flag
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^^Further to what you seem to be asking though, I think you are throwing too many gift grabby parties and inviting too many people. Your kids’ uncle really doesn’t want to go to her Sweet 16 party. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:47 PM Flag
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What a peach. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:08 PM Flag
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On my side of the family, yes - everyone sends gifts to everything. That's just how the family is (Italian-American culture), close-knit, very generous. In DH's family, no. Just not how they operate. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:51 PM Flag
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Only a wedding, sorry [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:21 PM Flag
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No, not even a wedding. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:14 AM Flag
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It totally depends on who the person is. If it's a niece or nephew, yes, we send a very nice gift if we can't attend. If it's an acquaintance, no. It boils down to whether we think it's a gift grab. We don't participate in gift grabs. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:42 AM Flag
[ - ] VBA - DS struggles with many things. He has ADD and spectrum traits, is small and shy. Well, he is doing great at his first year of sleepaway camp and has found things he’s good at. Just got back from visiting day and he is so so happy. My heart is full. 16 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:34 PM Flag
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So happy for you, I've been there. I have an anxious, short/scrawny DS and was apprehensive about camp. But it's his third summer there and he absolutely loves camp, even if he doesn't make close friends. I think I project my need to make friends onto him; he doesn't seem bothered by lack of social connection. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:43 PM Flag
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OP here - for a second, I thought I’d written your response. I used to badger DS with questions about who he sat with, played with, etc before I realized I was trying to fix MY childhood, not help him with his. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:02 PM Flag
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That is not a VBA [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:05 PM Flag
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This is not bragging - happy to share your delight and I hope he always enjoys camp or wherever he chooses to go. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:23 PM Flag
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That's so sweet. Good for you to let him experience this! It's important for him to be independent too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:34 PM Flag
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Congrats! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:38 PM Flag
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So happy for you, OP. What a great feeling. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:41 PM Flag
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Aww, that’s really nice! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:52 PM Flag
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OP - thanks, everyone. It was so great to see him running around knowing he belonged, even if he wasn’t a sports star. He loves camping and boating and photography and even scored a goal (a real goal) in soccer. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:57 PM Flag
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this is so wonderful!!! No better feeling. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:09 AM Flag
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This post makes me SO HAPPY!!! Thank you, OP [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:22 PM Flag
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Camp was my DC's happy place as well. That's what is so amazing about it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:49 PM Flag
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Could you please say what camp this is? I’m looking for one for my 10 yo who is not a sports star. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:04 AM Flag
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Not OP but have a look at Camp Becket [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:25 AM Flag
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You could look at Winona. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 02:43 AM Flag
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Aww. Camp (and all the other work I imagine you do during the school year, yadda yadda) really helps! I'm you a few years later...my ds is a counselor at his old camp and is saving his pennies for his first year of college. 5 years ago I was sure it would never happen. Congrats for being on the right road with your child. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 05:12 AM Flag
[ - ] What are some common dreams that you have? What do you (or others on here) think what they mean? 23 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:19 PM Flag
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I have the same recurring dream. I and up getting lost in some industrialized area trying to find my way to work. There is no public transportation or Uber available and I always arrive to work late. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:20 PM Flag
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A few times I dreamed that we drove to the end of a block which was a dead end. It was beach and the water was right there and our car sank but we were able to get out. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:21 PM Flag
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In a physical and life-threatening struggle with a large mammal like a bear or tiger. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:22 PM Flag
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There's the common New York dream of finding an extra room in an apartment. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:26 PM Flag
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Posted above you but forgot about this! You're right. I'll open a door in my dream (which is normally a closet) and there's a long passageway and extra rooms! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:28 PM Flag
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Don't live in NY ,but used to live in an old house where I often dreamed there was another apartment or wing. That house has since been entirely remodeled and I wonder if in my dream I was seeing the house has it will be sometime in the future. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:31 PM Flag
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I had this dream all the time when I lived in a studio apartment. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:52 PM Flag
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I repeatedly have an anxiety dream about going back to college. It turns out I was one course shy of graduation requirements, so I go back at my current age (early 50s). I screw up something major — usually never check email all semester (didn’t exist when I was there!) so I don’t ‘pknow about a big paper or exam and it’s near the end of the semester and I probably won’t be able to finish. Fun fact: when I mentioned this in a letter published in my alumni magazine, several other alumni responded in the next issue that they have a very similar dream! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:31 PM Flag
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I literally had to order a copy of my college transcript just to get over this dream! It worked. I haven’t had the dream since I got the transcript. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:35 PM Flag
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I have this dream a lot - also lots of work anxiety dreams. I wake up and spend a few panicked minutes trying to figure out if the thing I dreamed has actually happened. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:38 PM Flag
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I just posted about this below. Had it last night! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:08 PM Flag
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I have dreamt more than once that I live in a small house that's cut into a hill, and when I look down, there's a body of water (sometimes a river, sometimes a sandy beach). Other times I dream there's a lazy river near the house where I grew up. I jump in and am swept down river. It's exciting and fun. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:44 PM Flag
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I have a few. One is my elevator dream- I'm stuck and the elevator either falls or it moves in a crazy direction, up out of the roof like Willy Wonka, or sideways. Next one - I'm in school, get to class and havent opened a book all semester and either theres a test or it's the end of the semester and I haven't done any work, or I dont have my schedule and dont know where my classroom is. Last is my teeth falling out. I think these are all classic anxiety/loss of control dreams. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:56 PM Flag
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Teeth falling out is considered fear of aging, . [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:57 PM Flag
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OR - weird because I've had it off and on my whole life, at least since I was a teenager. Makes more sense now that I'm in my 50s! I also read once that it's a fear if losing something irreplaceable (my youth perhaps?!). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:19 PM Flag
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My grandmother yelled at me for dreaming this, silly I know. She said it means someone will die soon. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:33 PM Flag
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I'm always so relieved when I wake up from these dreams [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:35 AM Flag
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I've totally had the sideways elevator dream! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:09 PM Flag
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I hate my elevator dreams! I know it's about anxiety and lose of control but some of them are quite scary. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:20 PM Flag
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The one about not going to a class all semester and needing to pass it to graduate on time/not going and having to take the exam or some other similar thing. I think it is just an anxiety dream. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:08 PM Flag
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Sounds like a lot of people have the school dream. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:20 PM Flag
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Recent dream: My family of four capsizes and because I was a lifeguard 30 years ago when I was a teen I have to save everyone. I keep pulling my loved ones over to a piece of wood from the boat but the more people who hold onto it, it loses its buoyancy. Yikes! What a dream! The next day was my daughter's swim test and she not only passed, she was asked to try out for the swim team so I felt my anxiety dream was canceled. But who knows what that dream was about? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:51 PM Flag
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My 10 yo told me she dreams that she went to school naked. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:15 PM Flag
[ - ] Have you ever logged on to match.com or similar sites to see who is out there? 7 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:14 PM Flag
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Op-yes and it made me realize that as much as I complain, I should appreciate more. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:15 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:15 PM Flag
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No, and if DH passes before me, the last thing I want is another man. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:17 PM Flag
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Same! I love DH and have enjoyed being married, but one and done for me! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:32 PM Flag
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OR: yes, love DH dearly but the thought of starting over sounds so tiresome. If random people want to ask me out, that's fine, but I'm not going to be looking for it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:35 PM Flag
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Hell no. I have eyes. I see what's out there. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:10 PM Flag
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Hahaha [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:43 PM Flag
[ - ] What do you think would be a good cover letter for a personal assistant/assistant role? A poster last night disliked the five-paragraph one and preferred "My resume is attached — let me know if you need anything else. Suggestions for short and sweet but not too wordy? 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:10 PM Flag
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definitely not that. Somewhere in between. You can google these cover letters and find a right tone and then make it your own with your own facts. I do this and have gotten a lot of job offers. Talk about the skills that you have that make you stand out. I was taught (at a job's program) to take a look at the job offer (if it's an ad) and circle all the things they are looking for. You have to then rewrite those items into your letter so they pick up on it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:12 PM Flag
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would you mind sharing a cover letter? i have googled a lot of samples and still struggle with striking the right tone or not having it be totally generic [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:58 PM Flag
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I gave some suggestions above in your other query...GL! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:34 PM Flag
[ - ] Ok for a night wedding of my ex and his new fiancé? we are still friends. https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ted-baker-london-polayo-floral-asymmetrical-sheath-dress/5304926?origin=coordinating-5304926-0-2-PDP_1-recbot-also_viewed&recs_placement=PDP_1&recs_strategy=also_viewed&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=5213181 27 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:57 PM Flag
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OP here-- he broke up with me, if it matters dress-wise. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:57 PM Flag
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It's nice, unforgiving, but nice. A little weird that you still refer to him as your ex, and are hung up on the details, but feel comfortable going to the wedding. How long ago did you break up? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:00 PM Flag
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3 years [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:05 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:02 PM Flag
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General Topics 07.19.19, 07:02 PM Flag
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General Topics 07.19.19, 07:04 PM Flag
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THIS [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:05 PM Flag
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General Topics 07.19.19, 07:07 PM Flag
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NP: you guys are assuming a lot. We don't even know the time period, how the relationship ended, who ended it, if it was more casual or if they were actually married or not. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:10 PM Flag
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General Topics 07.19.19, 07:12 PM Flag
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General Topics 07.19.19, 07:12 PM Flag
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That's you. I'm fine with DH's old girlfriends, and have actually had dinner with them. They dated like 40 years ago. I personally don't care. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:14 PM Flag
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General Topics 07.19.19, 07:15 PM Flag
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^^actually, sorry, I see that he broke up with her, but still, the details are vague. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:13 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:13 PM Flag
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General Topics 07.19.19, 07:14 PM Flag
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Sure. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:15 PM Flag
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what about the dress? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:17 PM Flag
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It's okay. If you're slim and semi-tall it will work. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:20 PM Flag
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Oh shit. Somebody was talking to themselves again and got mass-deleted. I think the mods hate when that happens, cuz it's usually the mark of a troll's behavior. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:23 PM Flag
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Have fun at the wedding. I personally don't think it's a big deal, but I'm old. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:25 PM Flag
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Occasionally if it's really slow I'll throw in a 3 or 4 line fake exchange that amuses me at the time, but then I'll close the post and let it go organically. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:58 PM Flag
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I see what you are saying but in this case it would probably seem more obvious if I DIDN'T go. we were originally friends. I think I have to go. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:06 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:09 PM Flag
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I am about a hundred years older than her, if that helps any of you feel better about my presence at the wedding. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:18 PM Flag
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I really don't like this [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:05 PM Flag
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Sure. Pretty! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 11:24 PM Flag
[ - ] Do you think it looks weird if someone wears a sports bra with non-workout clothing? I have all these ts and tanks with with low fronts or bigger armholes. I don't like flashing a regular bra and wearing a tank gets hot and adds bulk. I have been wearing my scrappy sports bras and it seems to work but I don't want to look weird. My boobs aren't that big but I don't love how they look in the bralettes they have at a lot od stores and I feel I don't get enough support even though I am only a small B 8 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:53 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:05 PM Flag
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I'd think it was fine. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:13 PM Flag
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I wear these Uniglo bras that look like sports bras, and when the front shows in a vee neck it just looks like a tank top layered underneath. I usually wear heather gray. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:33 PM Flag
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Not weird at all to be a bit modest: there's a reason medical people (and inmates) wear t-shirts under their scrub tops. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:46 PM Flag
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I love wearing sports bras. Go for it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:03 PM Flag
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I wear these bras called “genie bras” that I got at cvs of all places. Like a sports bra but no compression and removable pads. Really comfortable and super modest. Also affordable. But you cannot under any circumstances hook up while wearing one. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 10:27 PM Flag
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I can; I’m married. Pretty undergarments are not part of the deal. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 02:09 AM Flag
[ - ] Just saw that the new wife of my exboyfriend (who basically ripped my heart to pieces ten years ago and changed the dynamics of all my future relationships) has now found my IG and has been watching my family's Instastories. My stomach sank when I noticed, even though so much time has past; we have similar social circles and live near each othe . What would you do: a.) block her and seem petty or b.) let it be. 26 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:42 PM Flag
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Do you know her? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:44 PM Flag
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No. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:45 PM Flag
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Let it be. She wouldn’t be cyber snooping on you if she didn’t feel insecure in some way. I’ve never so much as seen a picture of DH’s exes - except for one that is a mutual friend and another we went to school with. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:45 PM Flag
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Perhaps your assessment is right about her, but I can't help but feel like she's viewing it like I'm some sort of a joke to her and her DH. Enter: my own insecurities, I suppose. My ex hasn't seen my stories using his own name, although I get some pretty suspicious troll accounts who view it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:57 PM Flag
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np -- no, only reason she would be so curious is bc she's at least a little jealous, they are not laughing at you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 01:19 AM Flag
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I don't have IG so help me understand how it works. Can random people follow you or do you have to give them permission to follow? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:47 PM Flag
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You either have a public or private profile. If your profile is public (like OPs) anyone can find your page. If they just look at your pictures, you don't know. But if they look at your stories, they can see that you've done so. This wife must be spectacularly dumb to be watching the stories. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:50 PM Flag
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I created my public account for out-of-state relatives and family friends to see recent pics of my kids and keep up with our family. You can't tell who's seen your actual IG page. Instastories are essentially a daily slideshow you can make that can disappear after 24 hours, where users don't need to be on your page, and you're able to see who's viewed them. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:51 PM Flag
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If you're relatives and friends "follow" you, they're still see all of that even if you're private. Private just means that strangers can't. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:56 PM Flag
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OR: so it sounds like the same concept as Facebook. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:01 PM Flag
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Kinda of but not really. Oh Facebook there are different parameters and level of privacy. With Instagram it's one or the other. So either you have a private account where only people you've accepted as your followers can see your pictures/stories or you have a public account where everyone can see everything. The only exception is if you've blocked someone, they won't be able to search for you or see your profile at all EXCEPT if they search for your profile on a web browser and not logged into their account. In that case, they'd see a public profile's pictures (not stories), and not see anything from a private profile. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:53 PM Flag
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So your Instagram is public? Why not make it private? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:50 PM Flag
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We initially set it to public because a lot of my parents friends (all in their 70s and 80s) downloaded the app to see our photos and have zero knowledge of how to use it or follow anyone aside from typing in our handle each day and seeing our pics. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:03 PM Flag
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Seems like if they are savvy enough to look you up they are savvy enough to set up an account. Make your IG private. There is no way I'd have my personal pictures out in the public domain. She may have just been curious and surprised that you have that all out there publicly [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:02 PM Flag
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OP - if it makes you uncomfortable (it would me), you can make your profile private and she'll no longer have access. She'll just think you made the switch for privacy, vs purposefully blocking her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:51 PM Flag
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Are you an influencer? Your settings should be private. Problem solved [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:52 PM Flag
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Sort of, kind of-- Ugh, I hate that word, but we've got a following. I like it set to public because I've actually made some pretty cool mom friends from random reach outs. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:01 PM Flag
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So then those cool moms can follow your private account. If you want to be an influence and have your business out there, then expect this sort of thing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:04 PM Flag
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She’s probably showing friends and making fun of you. Just a heads up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:56 PM Flag
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If it makes you feel better there was a whole tweet thread about people who accidentally liked a baby picture of their exdh's new kid, or actually face tagged themselves accidentally over a picture of the new wife etc. At least YOU didn't do those things. She sounds more insecure if you know what I mean. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:52 PM Flag
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LOL Dying [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:05 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:05 PM Flag
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Haha, this is my worst fear when stalking my exes!! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:46 PM Flag
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My DH's exes routinely show up in my "people you may know" area of Facebook, so I suspect they scope me out...which requires some digging since I don't even have my last name on my page. I think it's common to be curious and nothing more. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:09 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:11 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:11 PM Flag
[ - ] is it possible to have a nanny who cleans up after you/family and takes good care of kids? 15 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:40 PM Flag
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yes [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:42 PM Flag
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I'd wager on it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:43 PM Flag
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Yes, but they aren't cheap. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:45 PM Flag
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You can certainly find one that will clean up after the kids and take good care of them, if you want the housekeeper for the entire family it is a lot harder, can be done but depends on the ages and number of the kids. And will definitely cost more. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:46 PM Flag
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I used to. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:00 PM Flag
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Yes, but they might be routinely late. There's always SOMETHING. No nanny is perfect (as none of us are). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:47 PM Flag
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yes - our nanny is awesome. has been with us for 12 years. cooks, cleans, takes great care of kids. BUT is always 10-15 minutes late. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:50 PM Flag
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NP - curious since you’ve had a nanny for 12yrs. Are your children far apart in age or how do you justify the cost (or is it not an issue)? I’m thinking of transitioning to part time largely because dc will be at school longer and I can’t justify paying nearly $5k/month for ft nanny but then i come across people who had their for 10+ yrs and wonder if I’m missing something and should hold off. Tyia [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:38 PM Flag
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Np. If she cleans, cooks, does laundry and runs errands, then yes, one can have such a nanny forever. Because she can do house work in the morning and is with the kids in the afternoon. Once you have someone great, you hold on to them even if her hours are not fully filled. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:45 AM Flag
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Kids are 4 grades apart, then we got a dog who needs walking!! She took on laundry, cooking, dishes, light housekeeping during the day. Also helpful for holiday, sick or snow days. This year will be the first year she goes to part time. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 07:54 PM Flag
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Yes. None of them is perfect. Ours is always on time, takes great care of dc, cooks for him and helps with home but gets spacey (lost art project, hat, forgot shoes at activity etc). None of them is perfect. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:36 PM Flag
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yes [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 12:24 AM Flag
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Our Nanny (50k/year) leaves the place spotless—she doesn’t do laundry or make our bed/tidy our room, but leaves everything else perfect. Kids love her! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 02:48 AM Flag
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Yes, that is my nanny. She is amazing. She is also fluent in English, in addition to her native tongue. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:43 AM Flag
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Two different positions. A proper nanny isn’t a housekeeper. You should send your kids to daycare and have a housekeeper. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 06:51 AM Flag
[ - ] My dad just died and didn't leave a will. Wondering if UB has some advice about how to handle his house and an irresponsible/challenged sibling. Will post details in first comment, since it's long. 43 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:29 PM Flag
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I have a sister who is has some mild mental problems (on the spectrum, ADHD, possibly OCD, anxiety) that have made it hard for her to be responsible. She has a good steady job, but is always forgetting to pay her bills and bad at managing money. Her power sometimes gets shut off, she's always got stuff in collections, and she's defaulting on student loans. She's a schoolteacher and every summer my dad helped her with rent and car payments because she would screw up her plans for saving up enough to live over the summer. She's 45. Dad and sister live in FL near each other, I live out of state. Only assets to deal with in probate are Dad's house and car. The house is all paid for but not worth much. Maybe 100k. At first I figured I would sign the house over to my sister because I don't want it, don't want to deal with cleaning it out, and because she needs it more than me. But I'm wondering if maybe I should keep my name on it now so that I can be an obstacle to irresponsible financial decisions she might make, like selling it at less than market or taking out an equity loan on it. I think the house is the only chance she will have of having steady housing in her retirement. DH thinks that I should just sign it over to her and leave her to her own devices. I should mention that she and I have never gotten along, i consider her abusive and damaging, and part of me would like to cut contact with her, but both my mom and dad (now both deceased) asked us to take care of each other. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:31 PM Flag
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Maybe split it and put the half you would have given to her into a trust where she can't touch it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:42 PM Flag
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OP hmm that's an interesting idea, thanks i will look into that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:44 PM Flag
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You can’t just decide this yourself. If the inheritance rules dictate she receive half, she receives half. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:49 PM Flag
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What state? What county did he reside in? If Manhattan, you need to apply to the surrogate's court to be appointed administrator of the estate. I'm sorry for your loss. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:35 PM Flag
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Florida - we already have a meeting set up with a probate attorney here to handle divvying up the house and car. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:36 PM Flag
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None of this is up to you. If there is no will, it is decided in probate. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, it will likely be divided 50/50 between the children. You could let the court know that you don't want anything and that it should all go to your sister, and that might be considered in the analysis, but it is not your property to allocate. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:37 PM Flag
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I understand, I think I meant, after probate if the house is given to both of us, I would give my half to her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:38 PM Flag
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You can't give it to her without tax consequences to her - she'd have to pay tax on the value of the gift. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:40 PM Flag
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OP thx, good point, that's good to know [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:42 PM Flag
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np: OP, this is not correct -the amount of crap tax advice on UB is pretty shocking. Talk to a lawyer about your options (not the one you and your sister are engaging). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:55 PM Flag
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Actually where gift tax is owed, it is the DONOR who owes the tax, not the donee. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 09:00 PM Flag
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Not really. A 50K gift is not that taxable. You have up to a million over a life time in gifts. We went through this ourselves. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:43 PM Flag
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The house is the only asset, she can refuse taking it. That doesn’t have tax consequences. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:46 PM Flag
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She doesn't need to refuse anything. You don't get taxed on gifts. Only the giver does. "The person who makes the gift files the gift tax return, if necessary, and pays any tax. If someone gives you more than the annual gift tax exclusion amount ($15,000 in 2018), the giver must file a gift tax return. That still doesn't mean they owe gift tax." (from the internet). The tax therefore would be paid from the estate. The recipient doesn't pay a tax on it. If you set up trusts instead there are different tax implications. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:54 PM Flag
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The estate would not be paying any additional tax in this scenario. Please stop googling. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:57 PM Flag
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This OR knows nothing and acts important. This will just confuse OP. THERE IS NO GIFT INVOLVED. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:03 PM Flag
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If she gives the sister her 1/2 of the estate that is a gift. That's what is being discussed. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:14 PM Flag
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Please stop. She can disclaim without making a gift. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:18 PM Flag
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Hey, lookie---expert here finally gives some advice...it took me to whittle it out of her. lol. I guess she doesn't like freebies. (watch out OP--this gift of advice might have tax implications for you). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:29 PM Flag
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Wow you’re nasty. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:40 PM Flag
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OP I think I'm less concerned about the tax implications than whether I should tie myself to my sister via this property or not. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:15 PM Flag
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I agree OP. I think given her flakiness, you should sell the house and put $$ into a trust for her for the future. Heck, you can insist she put her own $$ into a market fund or something where she can't easily touch it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:18 PM Flag
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I just went through this with FIL and his estate in probate. So yes, I do know what I'm saying. I used the internet quote to be succinct. My IL's have given us $$ over the years as well and only they pay the tax on it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:16 PM Flag
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It’s not a gift if she doesn’t accept the inheritance. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:02 PM Flag
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She's likely due 1/2 of the house etc. If the OP chooses to give her OP's share that would be a gift. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:15 PM Flag
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NP: NO IT WOULDN’T. If you inherit something you can rfuse the inheritance, which would then remain part of the estate and be passed on in accordance with the will as if you didn’t exist. In this case, the other remaining child of the deceased would receive it all, but it would all be considered her inheritance, NOT a gift from her sibling. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:52 PM Flag
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I get that. But OP is afraid that her sister's mismanagement will get the best of her and she'll squander this. OP might need to have a trust set up to ensure her sister is taken care of for a longer run. I apologize for not understanding all the gift tax issues--of course I'm not an accountant. But recently went through a very similar situation with taxes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:36 PM Flag
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Well OP can out her half of the inheritance in a trust for her sister, but she can’t dictate that her sister’s half be left in a trust. Too bad the idiotic father didn’t have a will and plan better. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:44 PM Flag
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Not so. Recipient doesn’t get taxed. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:46 PM Flag
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Of course it’s up to her whether she wants half or nothing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:40 PM Flag
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Hire an estate lawyer. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:38 PM Flag
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We already have an attorney for handling the probate process, is that the same thing? We are meeting with them Wednesday. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:40 PM Flag
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Yes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:44 PM Flag
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How could your father have been so irresponsible, knowing his daughter was incapable of fending for herself? Should be criminal not to have a will. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:59 PM Flag
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np: You'd be surprised. My friend has a SN child and has no will, guardianship noted etc. They are not young either and SN son is in his 20's but incapable of working. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:37 PM Flag
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OP he wasn't entirely irresponsible, he named us as beneficiaries on three different life insurance policies he'd gotten over the years at different jobs, and as beneficiaries on all his bank accounts. He left detailed notes about his accounts. Part of the problem is that he had set up everything long ago with the idea that he would go before my mother, who died somewhat unexpectedly a few years ago. He was shattered by her death and went into a deep depression and lost the ability to get much else in order. When he was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago he went into denial that he was sick. He was insisting he was fine up until two days before he died. Also, no one in my family has ever accepted the extent of my sisters mental problems, she's simply been characterized as "hard headed" and she never received treatment for her issues which made my life a living hell growing up. He was worried about her but he didn't know how to do things like set up trusts - we're from the deep south and he was raised in poverty and was in the military for his whole life, not exactly a background where you learn about financial instruments. Still, he didn't leave any debt and there is a lot of savings and good life insurance so i feel he did well considering his background. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:47 PM Flag
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I’m sorry for your loss, and no doubt he did what he could, but that doesn’t change the fact that the estate will be paying an attorney and experiencing delays in settling this because of having to go to court. Both of those could have been avoided by his executing a very simple will that named an executor. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:55 PM Flag
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I've got to know because my kid has ADHD and anxiety, how was your life a living hell? np [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 03:58 AM Flag
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Here's how it goes: All contractual funds (IRA, Roth IRA, Insurance, etc. goes to the named beneficiary. Any bank accounts that pass to a particular person, upon death of account holder, goes to that person. The balance, after all expenses paid, are divided per state law. In some states, siblings of person who died will be received a set percentage. You need to have the court name you as the executor, for which you will be paid, to settle all issues including personal property and final tax return. If your father's car is newer, give that to sister and sell hers. If she is renting and Dad owned house outright, she can buy your half and get a small mortgage. Put that 50K aside for when she needs it though the mortgage will be far less than her rent. Step away and help her if you want. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:32 PM Flag
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Every state has its own laws of interstate succession ( law dictating exactly how the estate of a person who died without a will is to be distributed). You don’t have any choices here- the state law determines who gets what. You must hire an estate lawyer to guide you through the process- appointment of an administrator ( that’s the equivalent of an executor for no will estates) who will marshall assets, take care of taxes and other filings, and ultimately oversee distributions. Good luck. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:47 PM Flag
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“ intestate” not interstate typo sorry [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:49 PM Flag
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I don;t believe she can be that incapacitated and be a teacher. She would have to pass a background check and be pretty emotionally intelligent to be in this career. There are people with differing levels of tolerance for financial security. Let her fail, declare bankruptcy and live in supported housing. She has a teacher's pension. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.20.19, 04:47 PM Flag
[ - ] what are you planning to do this weekend with the heat wave? 9 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:21 PM Flag
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It seems to me that it's going to be less hot than originally predicted [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:22 PM Flag
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NP: yeah, might not break 100. I can live with that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:25 PM Flag
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I think so too but I'm worried about another blackout. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:34 PM Flag
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+1000 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:45 PM Flag
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We've come a long way since '77. Just be sure to have some flashlights and candles and snacks. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:50 PM Flag
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Charge all of your devices today and overnight, do not do laundry or run heavy appliances and freeze some extra ice blocks now. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:54 PM Flag
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Early run on Saturday morning, and then I'll dress for the weather. One nice thing about Manhattan, is that one side of any street is always in the shade! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:38 PM Flag
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Staying inside. Movies, museum, mall. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:41 PM Flag
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Have to go to a wedding. Dreading getting ready for it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 08:25 PM Flag
[ - ] While I'm good at managing stress in the moment, I get really anxious and tense before the difficult situation starts. I think it's because I feel helpless-- there's nothing I can do but wait for it to happen. Right now, I'm anxious for the new school year and for a new job that's happening in the fall. Any tips? 13 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:13 PM Flag
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Wine Xanax etc - seriously talk yourself Off the ledge and enjoy the here and now! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:17 PM Flag
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It's odd, but i don't enjoy drinking and haven't really ever found it helpful [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:22 PM Flag
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It is not odd. It absolutely isn’t helpful to manage chronic anxiety. In fact it will make it worse. But I think OR is being sarcastic. Try exercise and meditation and maybe some CBT. Do you have trouble sleeping? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:27 PM Flag
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I am usually fine. As long as I feel I'm working towards a solution, I feel fine. But I can't work towards anything when nothing happened yet and I'm just waiting for it to happen. I'm fine with sleeping, just feel awful right now [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:30 PM Flag
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I'm there same way. Some things that help me are pausing to breathe to 10, then asking myself if there is anything I can do to prepare, and then moving ahead uncomfortably. I say 'uncomfortably' because if I wait to feel better before I move ahead, that moment never comes. But I basically pause, acknowledge and try to respect the worry, and then get going slowly and uncomfortably, which inevitably outwalks the worry eventually. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:22 PM Flag
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Wine doesn't help me either. I would find some tasks that make you feel like you're tackling the difficult situation. School supplies; new backpacks; practice quick and easy breakfasts. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:27 PM Flag
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Life is short, you likely have a great life compared to others in the world. Just enjoy it. When I get anxious I try to say "STOP" in my head and quickly think of something pleasant and happy. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:47 PM Flag
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Life is short, you likely have a great life compared to others in the world. Just enjoy it. When I get anxious I try to say "STOP" in my head and quickly think of something pleasant and happy. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:47 PM Flag
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wow, I wonder why other people go to therapists and work had to process anxiety when it's so easily alleviated. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 06:59 PM Flag
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just say STOP. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:00 PM Flag
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Anyone see book of Mormon? "Turn it off" [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:11 PM Flag
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It is pretty easy for me. Because I know it's all made up by me. Find a real problem to be anxious about. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:16 PM Flag
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Actually this is a pretty useful technique most CBT recommend. You have to train your brain how to get out of the anxiety rut. It's like a scab you like to pick. Some people train themselves to think unpleasant thoughts. Why? No one knows. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 07.19.19, 07:19 PM Flag
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