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[ - ] New to suburban life. For the holidays, who do I tip? Mailman? UPS guy? Lawn company? Etc. Not sure of the etiquette. Any suggested amounts? 7 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:39 PM Flag
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we tipped lawn team, garbage crew, and neighborhood got together and gave USPS worker one large money gift. if still lived in that neighborhood, then probably would have done UPS, but didn't use as much back then. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:42 PM Flag
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op. Thanks. I just read you can't gift a US mailman in cash. Do you think people follow that rule? Also, a $20 limit of a gift--so stingy [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:43 PM Flag
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everyone breaks that rule [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:44 PM Flag
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hear ya, but our mail lady had so many family challenges, including very sick child, as well as her own health problems (toll carrying mail had taken on her body). most working people would benefit from a windfall of money. i had zero qualms about her getting $750. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:03 PM Flag
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Hmm. I never considered the lawn team. They don’t come that often now that the leaves are gone and don’t do snow removal. How about newspaper delivery (weekends only)? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:46 PM Flag
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You do not need to take your NYC life in a full service building to the burbs. I've never heard of suburban tipping, especially if it's not an HOA or some other gated community. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 12:03 AM Flag
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Welcome to the burbs, enjoy your holidays and tip yourself. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 12:04 AM Flag
[ - ] is it rude to follow up with dc's teachers if they have not yet submitted the recommendations? 1 Reply [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:32 PM Flag
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No, but I would ask nicely. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:42 PM Flag
[ - ] My sister gave birth a year ago. She got postpartum depression and ended up gaining 150+ lbs over the pregnancy as well as after the baby was born. She also thinks she is an alcoholic, and she started heavily relying on food and alcohol. She checked herself into an inpatient treatment facility around the end of November, and gets released for outpatient treatment on the 19th. I would like to send her something, as well as her wife and kids. But I'm a little unsure of what to give. I'd also like to write her a letter or send a card and flowers, but again I feel unsure of what's best. 6 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:28 PM Flag
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my guess is that a letter saying you love and support her would go a long way. DO you get along with her wife? maybe ask her what would be most helpful to the family. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:32 PM Flag
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+1 for letter. food is hard, but necessary, especially when kids, so I either make meals or arrange for delivery. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:44 PM Flag
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My sister and her wife haven't reached out. My mom is the one who did, so I don't know if I'd be annoying for being yet another person blowing up her phone. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:28 PM Flag
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^But my sister has also been off social media, and she's constantly posting pictures, so I know she doesn't have her phone. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:29 PM Flag
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if you and the wife have a friendly relationship, go ahead. or does your mom know what would be helpful? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:57 PM Flag
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My mom thinks I shouldn't send anything, and just write a letter. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 12:44 AM Flag
[ - ] Active shooter in Jersey City 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:17 PM Flag
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Update? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:06 PM Flag
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[ - ] S/O of the upsetting interaction posts. One of my first thanksgiving’s at mil’s house. She asked me in the morning as a was helping her do thanksgiving prep if I was planning on putting on my make up. I was kind of stunned and probably mumbled...yeah. Everytime thanksgiving when I see her I wonder if she’s going to ask me to put on my make up. She hasn’t, but I can’t forget the feeling as a new wife how she made me feel So small by letting me know that my appearance wasn’t acceptable to her. 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:09 PM Flag
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My MIL is also a raging moron like this." She's just an idiot" is constantly running thru my head when I am around her [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:14 PM Flag
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reading this is yet another reminder of how fortunate i am to have a MIL who doesn't even leave her MBR w/o make up yet keeps all thoughts about my face to herself (well maybe confides to her DH or friends). FWIW, may also be that she was worried about food timing and wanted to know if you might disappear to get ready during the crucial time right before the meal is served. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:47 PM Flag
[ - ] We’re coming off our corporate health insurance for the first time in January, any leads please on providers we should contact or avoid? We live in nyc and have young kids 24 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:34 PM Flag
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When we started our co. 5 years ago, we went with a HDHP Oxford plan - same doctors as before, only diff is that annual health checkups covered, nothing else. With hindsight, we should probably have done this the whole time! We are relatively healthy and OOP maybe 2k max/year. HDP Oxford for a fam of 5 is approx 1k/month vs. "regular" Oxford PPO with out of network benefits 3k/month. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:18 PM Flag
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I find this really hard to believe. How did you buy this plan and what is your deductible and coinsurance? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:58 PM Flag
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Through a health broker 5 years ago. We started a co. with 2 employees. We were the only ones on the plan as the other employee used his wife's. The co. is now much bigger, but the price has stayed through the same - we go through another broker now but it's been Oxford Freedom the whole time. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:26 PM Flag
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That sounds like corporate health insurance to me. Why do you think this available to those not on corporate health insurance? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:33 PM Flag
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I don't know what you mean by "corporate" v. non-corporate, do you mean exchange plans? And are you self-employed? When DH quit his job to start a company, we could have gone on the exchange or started our "own" plan (i.e. something offered to every person in the company). I researched this, and the exchange plans looked very similar to the company plan we found through an insurance broker. This is circa 2014 - Oxford Freedom was available both on the exchange and through the broker, and yes, in NYC. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:42 PM Flag
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^^ 5 years later, the company has grown, and through another broker, we've found diff. plans to offer all the employees (and ourselves). The cost to us (as the employer) of each plan is as follows: 1k/month, 2k/month, 3k/month for a family - the cheapest the HDHP plan I described. Now, we (the employer) choose to subsidize up to the level of the cheapest plan. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:44 PM Flag
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Can you please share the name or contact info for the broker you used, thank you [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:50 PM Flag
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I just did. See below. He was a referral from another friend who is self-employed. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:51 PM Flag
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It is corporate because you have employees, even if initially it was only one. Most of us do not and therefore don't qualify for what you are describing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:53 PM Flag
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You are being willfully obtuse and misleading to OP. Guess you're just trolling her. I hope she knows better. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:53 PM Flag
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ITA. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 10:05 PM Flag
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In NYC? I thought they didn't offer off-exchange plans esp PPO plans. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:31 PM Flag
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Yes, NYC. I saw PPO plans on the exchange, but as I said, even though we didn't have to offer HC to future employees (as a small co.), we saw that exchange cost the same as the "company" plan. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:45 PM Flag
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Really? Please post the info. TIA! I have been looking for a PPO plan, but read that they are not part of the NYS plan and they never came up on the search. Is this new? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:54 PM Flag
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Have you gone on the marketplace yet? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 10:50 PM Flag
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Yes, and as usual, I did not find any PPO plans that except for dental only. Which provider and what is the name of the plan? TIA! I've been waiting years for them to add these plans in NYS again. When the exchange first started, they thought PPO plans would cause the exchange not to work because they would siphon the healthier or richer people who didn't need subsidies. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:09 PM Flag
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OP can you please share the name or contact info for the broker? Thank you [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:40 PM Flag
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This isn't spam - albala.org. Things have changed though, a friend told me recently that you have to shop the exchange first? Our specific situation was that we were insured through a large employer, and then started our own company - had to offer same plan at same subsidy (could be any %) to all employees. In our industry, startups have to offer HC, so it made sense. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:49 PM Flag
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Thank you [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:17 PM Flag
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We've been buying for 9 years and I only ever went with BC/BS and United. I never liked the networks on the other ones. I felt BCBS was better, but that maybe a reflection of the fact that we've had United for the past few years and the plans have been becoming worse and worse. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:54 PM Flag
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^^You can also have your kids on Child Health plans and you and DH on a separate plan. It could be cheaper that way. I prefer the simplicity of having one plan. Also, if you get HD plan, open an HSA account, it's a great retirement savings tool if you can keep the money there. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 10:04 PM Flag
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What's the age limit on the HD plans? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:11 PM Flag
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I am not sure, you have to look at it. I am sure once you fill out the household info they will tell you what your kids elligible for. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:17 PM Flag
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Thank you, this is a good idea [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 12:27 AM Flag
[ - ] Any holiday shops in Grand Central worth the crazy prices they charge? 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:08 PM Flag
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Nothing ever appeals to me at Grand Central. Like the Union Square market better. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:12 PM Flag
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Probably there is something but I prefer Bryant Park holiday market [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:38 PM Flag
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Of course none of them are worth it, you can find the same crap online for cheaper. You don't go to the holiday market to buy specific things or for bargains, you just go there for holiday experience and to browse and get some impromptu junk. go to the one you enjoy the most in terms of vibe. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 12:09 AM Flag
[ - ] Blue Collar man. Does anyone have happy ending stories about being from an UMC white collar family and being in a relationship with a MC solid blue collar guy? The parameters of my relationship are that we are both divorced with dcs. I don't want to marry again, but would like a lifetime companion. I grew up in a multi-generation educated, "pedigreed" UMC family and by fella grew up LMC, but got scholarships for private school then went to college, worked in law enforcement and then got his MBA from an online school. He is amazing in every way, but will our backgrounds hinder us? 32 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:49 PM Flag
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My dear friend and boss was partners with construction worker for many years until he died of cancer about six years ago. She was heartbroken. They really loved each other. She's now seeing another construction guy (we all work in the construction industry) and is very happy. Her first marriage to a doctor in 1992 resulted in a divorce within a short time. She's a unique individual in many respects though. Very smart, from an UMC family and artistic and funny. Many people gravitate to her but she has her own tastes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:53 PM Flag
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This sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie. And I love that you call him your "fella!" That's hilarious. Of course your relationship can work! My DH grew up poor in another country, and I grew up UMC (my dad was a doctor). Pedigree doesn't mean anything. Do you have common interests, values? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:57 PM Flag
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op: lol, boyfriend seems so silly at this age...fella just fits. We do have common interests and values. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:31 PM Flag
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Your relationship is the whole point of this country. Of course it can work, you crazy kids. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:07 PM Flag
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My ex bf had a lmc background. The major problem was his family. His mom and brother were both drug addicts. Brother got kicked out of his apartment due to stealing and then asked to stay with us. One sister would kicked out of the family home from time to time and then she would try to get pregnant so they would stop kicking her out. It really depends on how stable things are in his life. If he is the only college educated one, does family look for him for handouts? Is everything else stable? How is his ex wife? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:35 PM Flag
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i'll play here. i am only sibling who has money. 3/5 went to college - all have jobs, but they are not in high earning professions and are not big spenders. none have ever asked for help. grateful that dh has never begrudged when we helped my parents before they passed. may even need to do with siblings. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:58 PM Flag
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It sounds as though yours has hindered you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:51 PM Flag
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ILY [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:42 PM Flag
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Sure. I have a good friend who is a SVP of a branding company. Her companion of almost a decade is a construction manager. I would say that the key factor is that they are both very independent people and confident in their abilities and accomplishments. Another good friend is a hedge fund manager, his wife is a manicurist. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:53 PM Flag
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Okay, that's a combo I've never heard before. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:55 PM Flag
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The biggest issue will be your total lack of respect for him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:02 PM Flag
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op: I completely respect him and love him and plan to be with him forever. That doesn't mean I can't wonder on this board how other similar relationships have fared. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:33 PM Flag
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Sorry, but you pointing out that he got his MBA from an online school seemed disrespectful to me. Just the fact that you call him "blue-collar" to begin with - he has achieved all these things without family help, that should be commended, not put on a list of possible red-flags. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:41 PM Flag
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Come on! an MBA from University of Phoenix (or comparable school) is definitely more blue collar than UMC. That's not disrespectful, it is a fact. Clearly op values this person or she wouldn't be in a relationship with him at all. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:09 PM Flag
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Below she says he "teaches at a community college." Why not refer to him as a college professor? She is putting him in his place. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:26 PM Flag
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Because there is a difference between teaching at a community college and being a professor at Yale. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:54 PM Flag
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That’s my point. Relationship won’t work if she’s embarrassed of him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 10:52 PM Flag
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op: he actually refers to himself as a hard-working blue collar guy, which is what he is. That isn't disrespectful. He sometimes teases me that my girlfriends who are in a lot of bad marriages to wealthy and/or umc guys would have been better off with steady blue collar guys like him! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:27 PM Flag
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IMO, you are in fact being disrespectful of your partner when you *qualify* their achievements. And that's all I've got to say, peace out to this thread! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:51 PM Flag
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I agree with you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:54 PM Flag
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Says the rich girl who married the rich guy, or the working class girl married to the working class guy... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:10 PM Flag
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No [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:27 PM Flag
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Didn't work for my MIL and FIL. He was well-educated from LMC family (PhD from top school). Meant nothing in the long run as their cultural values were different. DH & I are from different races but same socio-economic background (our dads are both scientists), moms went to college. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:21 PM Flag
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My friend has been dating a guy that didn’t go to college and owns a plumbing business, she has her masters and they are very happy. Her family likes him but they are child free otherwise it would probably be a bigger deal that he’s not Jewish or “educated”. She doesn’t want to have a wedding since his parents are Trump supporters and her parents hate Trump. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:26 PM Flag
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My friend who went to an Ivy and had a very good job in the Obama administration married a guy who was an EMT. He was definitely not the same "class" as her, but is smart, funny, caring, etc. She wondered if it would matter, mostly the lack of ambition he seemed to have. He works hard, but she was like "maybe you should go to grad school, etc. etc." Then realized she liked him the way he was and he just valued time with family, etc. To him it was a job to pay bills. She grew to like that and actually is more relaxed than I have veer seen her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:43 PM Flag
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OP, fwiw, i think this is a lot different than many "blue collar/white collar" romance stories. The biggest challenge i have seen is when the wife has unrealistic expectations about income potential and becomes frustrated when the blue collar husband is not earning more, even if his salary is in keeping with salaries for the position. This may be moot here as you both have families, been married, etc. How might this play out in retirement? Will you have the resources to keep spending, especially travel? How will you feel if your fella cannot do the same? How do your DCs get along? That can be another stresser. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:54 PM Flag
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op: good points. he is very fiscally responsible. he is already retired from his law enforcement position and has a pension. He now teaches at a community college and does some consulting to supplement and his pension and because he is a hard-working person. He may make less than I do, but he plans and saves, including for vacations. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:44 PM Flag
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You are a snob. I would not even think twice about this! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:56 PM Flag
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Anything can work if you have love and respect. If you don't respect him or his family (even for having raised him, or good values without an education) than it won't work no matter the education levels. I have multiple advanced degrees and married a guy who hadn't finished college and had flitted around from job to job, working construction when we met. He wanted to have a career, but didn't know how. 16 yrs later, he has a degree and a career earning more than me and we are very happy. His family adores that I got him on track, they are educated and we are all from the same religion. Just giving you my story, so you know. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:58 PM Flag
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It didn't work for me, but for many reasons. I was raised UMC and dh was raised working class by a single parent. He went to community college and then transferred to an Ivy. Since then he has been serially unemployed or underemployed with little ambition and lots of student loan debt. I have always been respectful and even allowed him to run over me in some ways to make sure my high-earning career did not emasculate him. We are now divorcing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:25 PM Flag
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this cannot be real. and if it is, huh? how is a guy that has an MBA blue collar??? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:18 AM Flag
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OP, UB is very status obsessed and not representative of the real world. I know a lot of college educated jerks, and I would say that the "blue collar" people I know...the folks who own plumbing companies, install heating, lay carpeting seem to have happier marriages, more respect for their wives, great ability to understand their children and are more willing to help others without expectations. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:18 PM Flag
[ - ] What do I wear to an afternoon benefit luncheon? I never go to these things. I either have boring corporate work clothes or I have completely casual weekend wear. Yikes! 4 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:32 PM Flag
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Take your boring corporate clothes and add a lovely large scarf and statement jewelry. Perhaps mix jacket from another suit. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:36 PM Flag
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Agree. Also, no one is looking at you and no one cares. As long as you look respectable, no one will notice your clothing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:02 PM Flag
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totally agree. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:07 PM Flag
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this. work wear is fine. just flare it up a bit for fun [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:04 PM Flag
[ - ] Anyone take meds for ADHD, the inattentive kind without ANY hyperactivity? What do you take? I was once given Wellbutrin and it did nothing. Wondering if any meds actually work and if the side effects were worth it. tia 6 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:22 PM Flag
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I take wellbutrin, my kids take adderall. None of us are hyperactive. You may have needed a higher dose. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:25 PM Flag
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op: it made me angry and edgy. i tried all doses [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:56 PM Flag
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So that wasn't the right med for you. There are many meds out there. My ods is on his third or fourth medication now. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:00 PM Flag
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DS takes Focalin [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:44 PM Flag
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DS takes Vyvanse on weekdays. I think it has helped tremendously -- no more constant reminders re homework, projects, etc. He didn't want to take it at first but now admits that it helps. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:04 PM Flag
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DH takes Vyvanse, has also taken Adderall in the past. Diagnosed as an adult, meds definitely help. He still has executive function issues, but at least he has some ability to focus when he takes them. Side effects are mostly things like dry mouth, nothing major, or at least not enough to make him stop taking them. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:30 PM Flag
[ - ] How do you get over an upsetting interaction you had with someone? I had one over a year ago and I still think about it. 56 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:18 PM Flag
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Can you give us details without revealing too much? That's a really long time to still be having flashbacks/issues. Were you embarrassed by something you did or just upset with how the other person treated you? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:20 PM Flag
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OP: It sounds ridiculous, but it was a fight with the owner of a restaurant. I was arguing with him about the price of something, and he became enraged and said terrible things to me in front of everyone in line. I felt humiliated, but more than that, he made me feel a different way about how people must see me. I'm in my 40s and I'm now overweight and it felt like a wake-up call, that I'm old, ugly, petty, fat and worthless now. Not that I was gorgeous before, but I can't imagine having been treated like that in my 20s-30s. I was actually worried he might get violent and I seriously wondered if anyone there would help me if it came to that. Since then, I've been much more mindful about being loud in public or being a nuisance in any way. And I expect people to treat me with disdain. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:29 PM Flag
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I'm sorry. That sounds horrible. I think this must be what it is like when people become elderly and realize that they are seen and treated that way when they feel like they are 30 inside. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:33 PM Flag
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OP: Thank you. It probably does feel that way. I think it was helpful just to write down what happened. It feels cathartic in a way. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:35 PM Flag
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Something to think about is that every time we remember something, just accessing the memory in our mind changes it slightly. So if you have been thinking about it for a year, it is possible that it really wasn't exactly as awful as you remember now. I find this reassuring. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:50 PM Flag
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OP: Thanks. I'll remind myself of this. I also tell myself that this guy is probably a hothead and gets into fights like this all the time and probably doesn't even remember me. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:52 PM Flag
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Reading down below, this guy is a misogynist, and so was his friend. He is the crazy one. I bet he treats the women in his family like shit too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:54 PM Flag
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np - First off, that doesn't sound ridiculous to me at all. Secondly, I would tell you that when we mentally hold on to events from the past we often distort reality, magnifying our faults, or our part in an event. I would encourage you to give yourself regular reality checks when you, for example, find yourself thinking that you're ugly. If you have someone in your life who loves you, ask for their help in this. It's likely that your lingering emotions over what happened are not based in reality, but in a story you're telling yourself that is not serving you well. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:36 PM Flag
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OP: Thank you, this is kind and helpful. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:39 PM Flag
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a year is too long. put it out of your head [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:20 PM Flag
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NP. These kinds of responses are amusing to me. Obviously if the OP could "put it out of her head" she would do it. Not everything can be easily brushed under the rug. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:26 PM Flag
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I just read the explanation and it was worse than I assumed. but if it is still getting to OP, she should get some therapy for useful tools about how to get past it [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:06 PM Flag
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OP: I have regrets about even starting it. Ever since then, I try not to even argue if someone charges me the wrong thing for something. It's not just the guy, it's what the other people were probably thinking about me. (The issue was that he was double-charging tax.) They were waiting in a long line and they probably thought I was being selfish and petty and rolling their eyes at me. Of course, this is all in my mind because I don't know what they were thinking or if anyone was in fact rolling their eyes at me. But when the other guy walked by the table and said I was crazy and just gave me this horrible look like I was the worst person in the world--it made me think that everyone looks at me that way. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:12 PM Flag
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it sounds like a little PTSD and depression. you are continuing this negative narrative in your head that is not valid. and quite frankly: what perfect strangers think of you (or don't think of you) should have zero impact on your daily life. I am sorry that this happened to you. You don't deserve to be treated like that. But some people are assholes so that should be their problem and not your problem [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:16 PM Flag
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That guy sounds like the friend of the owner. Normal people don't do that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:55 PM Flag
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yep [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:09 PM Flag
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If you're blessed (or cursed?) with a good memory, you'll probably remember it for a long time, but the key is to either learn from it or just move on from it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:26 PM Flag
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This. View it as a learning experience rather than a horrible thing and continue knowing that you are wiser for it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:27 PM Flag
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Sorry, that sounds awful. Some people are just more sensitive to this kind of thing. If that happened to me, I would be very shaken by it. My dh, on the other hand, would be over it in about 2 minutes. But I have a friend who's worse, she is still suffering over things that happened 10 years ago. It sounds like, since this has affected your self-image, that some short-term counseling certainly couldn't hurt. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:38 PM Flag
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OP: It really has affected my self-image. My DH also would get over it. The one detail I forgot to add above is that during the exchange, my DH came to my defense and talked to the restaurant guy (who was accusing me of lying) and DH said that I'm not a liar, etc. He was SO much nicer to DH than me. Basically like he thought I was hysterical, and DH was the "rational" guy he could deal with. And I was NOT being hysterical at all...I don't think I raised my voice to him at all. Later, I guess the guy realized he overreacted and he came to our table to bring cookies for my dcs and I refused them, and I was crying and the guy kept asking my kids, don't you want cookies? I was telling the guy he needed to go away, and he wouldn't for a few minutes. Eventually he did, and then my DH came back and the guy apologized to him and DH shook his hand and I felt betrayed. (DH later said he would never have done that if he knew the guy was trying to push cookies onto our dcs while I was trying to get him to go away). And then another detail--I think this was before the cookie part--this older guy who I guess was a friend or regular customer because I saw him talking to the owner passed my table and sneered at me, "you're crazy" with this super mean look. It was so bizarre. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:47 PM Flag
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This all sounds very dramatic. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:51 PM Flag
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I agree. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:18 PM Flag
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Are you normally pretty emotional? You say you weren't hysterical but then you say you were crying at the table. That doesn't exactly sound calm and collected. In any event, does this interaction relate to a deeper fear you have of growing older, or of not being taken seriously? Usually these small things that stick with us are evidence of some larger issue. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:59 PM Flag
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OP: Yeah, I'm definitely emotional, but I think I was relatively calm during the exchange. I didn't start crying until I was at the table and away from him (it was a food court type of place). I think the larger issue is I'm not comfortable/happy with how I've changed physically. I think the weight gain is a big part of it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:06 PM Flag
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and he mentioned your weight ? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:19 PM Flag
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OP: No, he didn't. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:25 PM Flag
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How this stranger treated should no impact on your self image. I am sorry that it upset you so much but this acting that way is about HIM and not about YOU. Happy content people don't act that way. You are letting his misery impact your well being which is not healthy [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:28 PM Flag
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NP: Just to piggyback on this, it can be a useful exercise for you to do some perspective-taking and try to imagine the whole world of this man and the many reasons he may have acted out of line (that have nothing to do with you). I got into a shouting match once with this guy who was aggressively hustling women outside of a subway station, because the boundary pushing and getting into my personal space REALLY set me off. We ended up in a screaming match which made me furious, I really wanted to "get" this guy and call the police, but I took a couple seconds and thought about the guy, and where he was in his life where he was the worlds WORST hustler of change, and also that he probably had a history with police already (fairly or unfairly), where meanwhile, I was far more fortunate in life. I think it's really valuable (and can be very healing) to think about some of the reasons people might have for being shitheads that don't necessarily pertain to you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 10:16 PM Flag
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this [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:07 PM Flag
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np- this is completely on that guy and not you. You might think he would've acted differently with a 20something yo he found attractive but the only difference would've been that he'd gotten sleazy while simultaneously trying to flirt and putting her down. Some guys are assholes like that when dealing with women in general. Treating them with different levels of contempt no matter their age or look. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:01 PM Flag
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OP: Yes, I think he clearly has problems with women. I definitely felt that vibe from him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:07 PM Flag
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np: This. Yes, misogynists are sometimes fake-nice to compliant 20-something women but *only* because they think there's a small chance they could have sex with them. It took me a while to realize this is actually NOT a compliment and does not mean they have any respect or kind regard for you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:12 PM Flag
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^So basically the guy has probably always been a sexist [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:14 PM Flag
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yep exactly [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:55 PM Flag
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A sad realty is that many men treat other men w way more respect than how they treat women. I see this ALL THE TIME! Someone says not to me and then my husband steps in and all of a sudden they say yes to him. I think men are taken more seriously than women in most cases. so sad [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:20 PM Flag
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Exactly. I make my DH deal with car repairmen, the pool guy, etc because men take him more seriously. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:22 PM Flag
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yes! ugh it is terrible [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:28 PM Flag
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NP I deal with our home repair people and I only use people who don't treat me like crap. I did have a great mechanic for a long time but I won't take my car in anywhere else - I make dh do it now that we moved. I can't deal with car maintenance places at all. It is terrible. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:53 PM Flag
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This! DH gets free upgrades on cars all the time and gets the kids free socks at trampoline places, etc. I know that would never happen to me. I’m sure if I had gone with him, he might not have gotten anything. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:54 AM Flag
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Do not let some asshole make you feel bad about yourself. He was wrong. Why should you feel bad about yourself because of what some jerk thinks of you? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:21 PM Flag
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OP: Thank you. It's not just him, though, it's all the other people. I know he was a jerk but I think the other people were thinking I was terrible, too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:23 PM Flag
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first of all: you don't know that to be true. second of all: why do you care what perfect strangers think about you in a very specific moment. I can assure you that they didn't give it a second thought after the fact. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:30 PM Flag
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I can see this happening. Other people might’ve been thinking “another nit picking woman” and I worry about that, too, when I have to point out wrong charges, etc, but you have to go about your day and roll these things off of your back. I used to overthink and rehash everything and still do at times but you have to use your will power to forget and move on. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:58 AM Flag
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this! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:29 PM Flag
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OP: I have to go but I just want to thank you all for being so kind to me and not flaming me. It was helpful to talk about this, even to online strangers! I haven't told anyone about this in real life. Thank you! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:24 PM Flag
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I do this to myself all the time. Just know it sounds more like the other guy is just an angry person. No way to behave when you own a business. If I was there and saw he speak to a customer this way I would not purchase anything from him. He is the one with issues and yes, he does probably treat all the women in his life bad. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:13 PM Flag
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I'm young and hot and get mistreated anyway all the time. Don't personalize it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:21 PM Flag
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this! this is not about how OP looks or appears in any way. this is about the guy being an ass. he just needed a person across from him to yell at. it isn't about OP [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:26 PM Flag
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There isn't enough time in your life to worry about what people you don't know or care about think or say about you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:49 PM Flag
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agree. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:10 PM Flag
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Think about why what he said impacted you so much. Do you feel uncomfortable with some of the things he called you and you want to change even without this interaction maybe? I would spend time on why this triggered me so much and what I can do about it; could be that I want to change physically or maybe boost self-esteem? Having said that, the interaction sounds very disturbing, I would be disturbed too. I had a very disturbing interaction with a taxi driver 20 years ago that haunted me for years; he threw coins at my face and called me a prostitute, when I got out of his car, I threw a kick to the side of the car, he came running so we both ran, I could barely got into my apartment and was afraid for days while coming out of the apartment. After so many years later, I laugh when I remember it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:29 PM Flag
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EMDR therapy. seriously [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 12:21 AM Flag
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I wonder if writing a letter to the guy would help get it all out. Obviously not to actually send to him but just for you to write it all down and see it in black and white. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:27 AM Flag
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Eleanor Roosevelt wrote: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Look for role models of strong older women. I'm 66, mine is Helen Mirren. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:17 AM Flag
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This is the perfect place to get some therapy. Glad you’re talking about this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:59 AM Flag
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I think you need to separate this incident from the inferior feelings you have about yourself and deal with them. If you have gained weight and want to do something about it, go ahead. If not then start accepting yourself and making peace with things. The incident occurred and he is not meaningful in your life, figure out the things that are affecting you and come up with a plan to either fix them or not let them bother you but don’t stay in this interim state [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 04:39 AM Flag
[ - ] PSA: The Dr. Ruth documentary on Hulu is so good and so inspiring. Do yourself a favor and watch it. 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:09 PM Flag
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Thank you. I'll put it on my list. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:16 PM Flag
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listening to her on the radio as a teen was life changing. she was so ahead of her time [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:18 PM Flag
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Yep, I remember listening to her in junior high or high school and we were all just amazed that this tiny little grandma was giving sex advice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:20 PM Flag
[ - ] Middle school ds refuses to wear the sweatpants and sweatshirt I gave him for PE and insists on wearing just his shorts/t-shirt uniform. He has 1st period PE, so it's still pretty cold. He says nobody else wears them, and he doesn't want to be the only one. Sigh. Why do kids refuse to be reasonable? 46 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:03 PM Flag
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let it go. he's the one feeling cold, he can make this decision for himself. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:03 PM Flag
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this [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:06 PM Flag
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OP: I know, I know...I just hate thinking of him being cold. This must be what he means when he tells me I'm too overprotective, haha. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:08 PM Flag
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yes. let it go! 50's is really not cold enough to demand pants [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:50 PM Flag
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soooo normal. none of them wear pants. it drives me crazy but I let it be [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:04 PM Flag
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OP: Apparently at his school, only the girls wear pants. The boys wear the shorts. And nobody wears a sweatshirt. Every day the PE teacher apparently tells them it's "not cold enough" and they don't need their sweatshirt. We live in California so it's not freezing, but in the mornings it's usually in the 50s and I think that justifies wearing a sweatshirt! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:10 PM Flag
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oh well 50s is nothing., I am in NY and none of the girls wear leggings under their uniforms which are skirts [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:19 PM Flag
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and it has been in the 30's here [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:20 PM Flag
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OP: We're weather wimps here in California. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:21 PM Flag
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I need to move there! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:24 PM Flag
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OP: You'll become a wimp too! My friend from Michigan LOVED that it was sunny and in the 90s here in March the year she moved. And then a few years later, it was in the 80s and she's complaining that it was too hot. We just complain, complain, complain about perfectly decent weather. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:34 PM Flag
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This one isn't worth fighting over. My parents couldn't figure out why I never carried an umbrella - until after college - when it was raining. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:09 PM Flag
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OP: Oh yeah, I agree, no fighting...just a small amount of annoying nudging, like every day. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:11 PM Flag
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np: But don't even do that. You have to let it go. I have a climate denier son too and it's just not worth it. Mine's only 9, but I made a rule years ago that he could decide to take the jacket or leave it home...but if he left it, I would hear zero complaints about how he was cold. Make your bed dude. Also, 50 is fine. That's flip flop weather for me (former San Diegan). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:18 PM Flag
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OP: Haha, flip flop weather at 50? I'm the typical Southern Californian. I complain that it's cold when it's under 66, and too hot when it's over 82. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:20 PM Flag
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OK, maybe flip flop is more like 58. I just hate shoes! My old college roommate lives in Manhattan Beach and I always laugh at her 'cause she gets her parka out when it hits 64. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:21 PM Flag
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OP: Yep, same here! :) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:32 PM Flag
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Land the helicopter, Mom! Parenting with love and logic would tell you to pick your battles and let natural consequences handle this one. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:12 PM Flag
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Who cares. My DD's school only gives shorts and tshirt for PE. And we are in NYC. That's what they all wear. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:12 PM Flag
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OP: You probably have PE inside, though...ours is all outside. At least I hope you do! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:14 PM Flag
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^And I know this because of UB...I once asked how kids in cold places do PE in the winter, and someone was like, you moron, have you ever heard of a gymnasium??? (We don't have gyms in my area until high school.) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:17 PM Flag
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Where are you? I lived in the Bay area and now closer to Sacramento, and all the middle schools have had gyms. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:28 PM Flag
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(But they often have more PE classes than can fit in a gym at one time.) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:29 PM Flag
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OP: I'm in Orange County. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:31 PM Flag
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That makes since considering your weather down there! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:39 PM Flag
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My 9th grader refuses to change his pants for PE in the locker room. He would rather get a zero for uniform than change his pants there, and he won't go to a bathroom to change. So either he wears something that works for the PE uniform to school and then wears it all day, or he takes a zero. So stupid. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:26 PM Flag
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and we also live in California. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:27 PM Flag
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OP: Right there with you. We have more PE weirdness too. DS also refuses to change in the locker room so waits for a bathroom to change in. And he won't go to his PE locker because apparently there is a very tall and intimidating 7th grade boy always half-dressed near ds' locker, so he just carries his PE clothes in his backpack all day. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:38 PM Flag
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OR ha ha this makes me feel so much better! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:57 PM Flag
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SAME, drives me crazy, I try to ignore and focus on other things that I can't let him decide for himself. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:29 PM Flag
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DD leaves after me in the morning, so whatever she wears, she has to suffer the consequences of same. Do I worry? Sure, but I can guarantee that if she's uncomfortable, she'll think twice the next time. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:37 PM Flag
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this!!!!! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:50 PM Flag
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So this. DD will not wear a hat/scarf/gloves in winter. Can barely get her to zip her coat when in 20s. Guess what - she's fine. Her choice, and if she's cold she will deal. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:59 PM Flag
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I feel your pain. I live in upstate NY and 15 yo DS will sometimes go to school in shorts when it's 10 degrees out. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:01 PM Flag
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oh and also flip flops when it's snowing. Natural consequences! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:08 PM Flag
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Well, then they must not be walking for long. Because if it truly were 10 degrees outside with a wind chill you can risk a frostbite on exposed skin especially extremities. Not going to happen when it comes to in and out of a car thing, or running from one house to the next, but can happen if any reasonable walking is involved and especially waiting outside. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:36 PM Flag
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What? Crazy! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:08 PM Flag
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Totally! Doesn’t everyone else remember being a teen? You don’t feel the cold . Or you just don’t care [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:21 PM Flag
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why cant he change once he gets to school??? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:52 PM Flag
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you are in CA and worried about him doing PE in shorts??? I see kids in NYC that wear shorts to school every day of the school year. this is not worth fighting for. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:20 PM Flag
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100%!!! The girls at our school (in NY) have bare legs all winter long [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:22 PM Flag
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I have let go of all these clothing fights a while ago, it was too draining, and truth is the only time you really should put a foot in the door is if the kid is in danger of a frostbite or a hypothermia, kids are not that stupid. I sometimes do insist on hats and warm coats when the kids are sick, but indoor chilly environment isn't deadly, especially when kids are moving around. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:34 PM Flag
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In upstate NY, boys wear shorts year round with their boots in below freezing weather. Give it up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:58 PM Flag
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we're in NYC and my dh would wear shorts year round if he could. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:23 AM Flag
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Not worth the fight. Been there done that. They don't get sick from the cold and if he does finally get cold he will wear them. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:14 AM Flag
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This reminds me of when I was a teenager- my family lived in Salt Lake City. We wore shorts all year round, even when it was freezing cold out and snowing. EVERYONE wore shorts EVERY day! My family moved to upstate New York when I was a senior in high school, and I wore shorts into the fall and early winter and people stared at me like I was crazy. I got embarrassed and realized most people don't do this, and I put my shorts away until the summer. My mother never said anything about the shorts, and I don't ever remember feeling cold. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 02:23 AM Flag
[ - ] DS is almost 5 yo, and I think may be starting to have some social anxiety (eg. Not wanting to participate and completely shutting down during a new activity even though he is there with kids he is already good friends with). I know this is could be within the range of normal, but I feel like the behavior is persistent and disruptive enough that I need to start addressing it. Any book recommendations? Should I consider making an appointment with a child psychologist, not so much for DS, but for me to gain insight on best ways to address it? If so any recommendations? Anyone BTDT? 6 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:58 PM Flag
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Our son was a reclusive at 5 and the class leader at 8. Kids develop at their own rates, so please don't stress too much. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:00 PM Flag
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np: and mine was reclusive at 5 and had full blown anxiety at 9. so. i agree OP's kid most likely is normal but reading up on anxiety isn't a terrible idea. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:05 PM Flag
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I would give it some time. He's still so young. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:03 PM Flag
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YES. Assuming it's your son's first year in school-Kindergarten. Which is tough. Is he staying long days? After school activities, Tired? Anxiety is often a sign of a child feeling out of control. I wouldn't start with a psychologist. I would work making sure he has a lot of control in the things that don't matter--let him pick his clothes, what he eats (within what you have served), etc. Make sure he has PLENTY of down time. Get him laughing every day--silly play connecting with you. If he will talk about what is bothering him (don't try and pull it out of him--but if he lets anything out) you can do funny role playing within the issues. Laughter is so important. I like hand in hand parenting and Dr Laura Markham for suggestions (both have strong online resources. For your son, the book Jack's worry is great. Also Alphabreaths--mindful breathing can really help. Make sure he's getting enough free outside play even in the cold. Try to take him to the park as much as you can. Hang in there, mama. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:41 PM Flag
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Op: Thank you so much for the replies! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:06 PM Flag
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I would suggest you let him take social interactions at his own pace/ Some kids just throw themselves into social situations, other kids watch, observe, chose their friends thoughtfully. Our son has never been a group or team kind of person, but always had a couple of close friends. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:55 PM Flag
[ - ] Posting for day crowd -- best day spa place that isn't chichi around NYC? Need a vacation but can't get away so looking to relax and rejuvenate with a massage and just down time. 11 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:58 PM Flag
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If you haven't considered it before, try one of the Asian storefront-type places. They're a fraction of the cost of a spa, you don't need an appointment and you will definitely get a super-deep massage. Just bear in mind that it is NOT posh - you may even wish to bring your own towel - and a certain degree of sign language might be required. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:12 PM Flag
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op: Yeah, I want nice but not snotty. That's probably what I should have posted. I just saw someone recommend the spa at The Greenwich Hotel. That is what I'm looking for. Thank you! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:14 PM Flag
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Definitely not snotty, but if you're looking for something in a hotel-type setting it may be more downscale than you want. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:15 PM Flag
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Sothys [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:08 PM Flag
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+1 very good pricing [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:34 PM Flag
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Guerlain Spa at the Plaza [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:42 PM Flag
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Taiji is good for massages. You can get a 90 minute massage with hot stone. Very good massages. They do huge volume in a semi-private situation. I don't think the walls go all the way to the ceiling so you will hear people grunting and you will overhear conversations in the lobby. But the massage is amazing. There was one in the WV when i lived there, and there's one on the UWS i go to now. The place itself is not luxury at all. But it is safe and clean, a real business. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:42 PM Flag
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Ita with Taiji. The walls not going to the top is a sign that it is a massage place and not a "rub and tug" for men. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:59 PM Flag
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The newish Talji on 102 btwn Broadway and Amsterdam is spotless - I go there frequently when my muscles hurt - I always leave feeling amazing. The one on 96 is older and more run down but still decent. Can't go wrong. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:17 PM Flag
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PP I just went to the original one on the Bowery and thought maybe it would be run down, nope lovely and I think the guy I had was even more skilled [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 10:58 PM Flag
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Go on Groupon and pick something. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:00 PM Flag
[ - ] Gift ideas for an 8 yr old boy? 6 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:23 PM Flag
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boring, but lego [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:37 PM Flag
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Yep, all my nieces and nephews asked for legos this year - 3 boys & 3 girls ages 5-12, all legos! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:53 PM Flag
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This company has a lot of cool stuff for every age: https://www.mindware.orientaltrading.com/science-and-nature-a1-553558-1.fltr [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:43 PM Flag
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scooter, skate board [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:54 PM Flag
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We have a bunch of razor scooters but I just got one of these LaScoota scooters for my tween for his birthday. He loves it. The wheels are big so it is easier to ride in areas that the razor scooters can't do because of their tiny wheels. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:24 PM Flag
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[ - ] I’ve posted before about DH’s over the top doting on MIL (actually I am pretty sure I post every time she visits, as it gets on my nerves so much). Every couple months he flies her down to NY to stay with us for a week at a time, and it’s basically like the rest of the family doesn’t exist during these visits. Yesterday he took a day off from work to take his mom for a fancy lunch and sightseeing - right near my office - and didn’t invite me. Then they took a car home from right near my office but didn’t offer me a ride, while I shlepped to the subway in the rain. Once they got to our house, he couldn’t help with bedtime or homework because he and his mom were having a glass of wine and watching tv together. Every time I post, you all tell me to just get over it, but I feel so disrespected that it’s hard. 99 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:07 PM Flag
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i don't recall earlier posts, so you've probably answered this: what happens when you talk to your husband about it? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:08 PM Flag
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Op: he gets very offended and defensive. The last time I brought it up was over the spring/summer when he (a) flew his mom down the week of Mother’s Day and made the holiday all about her, (b) took her to Europe for a week over Memorial Day week to celebrate her birthday and the (c) flew our entire family to his hometown for another birthday celebration for his mom. Meanwhile, he didn’t even buy me anything for my birthday. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:24 PM Flag
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Well, buy yourself something! His mother may be someone for whom he feels responsible because she is a highly dependent person (a widow perhaps?). You're a competent, independent human being...so make yourself happy. HIs mom won't live to be 150! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:26 PM Flag
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Op: yup, she’s a widow who’s always been very dependent on others for her support. She’s also a bit of a narcissist in that every conversation revolves around how capable, smart and active she is (even though she’s never even been able to balance her own checkbook). So I think the combination of neediness and self importance is what’s driving this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:30 PM Flag
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Yes, and desperate insecurity. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:58 PM Flag
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I think you need to accept that they are exceptionally close. Perhaps she was way more involved in his life than his dad, maye he feels a geater bond to her than his father, maybe they just enjoy one another's company and share jokes that no one else would get about their share experiences. My DH works 80 hours a week, we have one son, we've spent more time together than most moms/sons...I did all the "Dad" stuff with him. I suspect that we will always be closer than average. Be grateful your husband has an example in his life of a loving woman and let it go. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:13 PM Flag
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Share jokes no one else would get?? I'm extremely close with my son, but I know when to let go. I'm actually worried about how I will break the apron strings because it is necessary for his own well-being to be able to move on to his own family. Closer than average does not mean taking vacations together and being besties to the detriment of his wife. np [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:55 PM Flag
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PP: I'm not saying that this behavior is healthy, but I do think that understanding this bond will help. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:46 PM Flag
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This is a very American attitude. We're old fashioned Italian, and have a huge Italian family, and we spend this kind of time together. The mother is considered the head of the family. This "I leave my birth family behind" is very American. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:50 PM Flag
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It is biblical. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:36 PM Flag
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And much healthier. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:23 PM Flag
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Wasn't he like this while you were dating? There had to have been plenty of red flags... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:13 PM Flag
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...and then get a time machine? Not a helpful reply. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:51 PM Flag
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NP: You're going to be around for many more years than his mother. It isn't disrespectful of you, it is focusing on a woman who raised him whom he is probably acutely aware will not be here in a few years. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:14 PM Flag
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How do you treat his mom? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:15 PM Flag
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Op: I am polite but definitely don’t go out of my way with her. I leave that to DH. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:32 PM Flag
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A week every two months is way too much [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:16 PM Flag
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My DH called his parents, then his mom every day of his life and they spent 3 weeks out of each year with us, and he went to see them for 2 weeks out of each year. I don't see it as a reflection of his relationship with me, but a reflection of the closeness they share as a family. He is similarly close to our little nuclear family. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:17 PM Flag
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Sorry. No normal guy wants to do this. I know a few. It is a reflection of the guilt and keeping him under her thumb that his mother began early on and wouldn't let go. np [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:08 PM Flag
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While he's with his mom, do your own thing with the kids. I always loved it with my DH traveled since we could eat popcorn in bed and stay up later. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:18 PM Flag
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This! DH and I have been together a long time. We both enjoy some breaks from each other, even if it means handling more of the load individually. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:22 PM Flag
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Ok: I guess the problem is that I never get breaks. When I ask him to cover for me here and there, he’s always got other plans or conflicts. So I end up managing everything while he comes and goes and he pleases and rarely thinks to do anything nice for me. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:26 PM Flag
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Sounds like a discussion about same or counseling is in order. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:26 PM Flag
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We sit down once a week and schedule. Or, if need be, sit down once a month and schedule. Put your panned things on the family calendar and let him know that he needs to be with the kids then. Also, perhaps joining a gym with a family programming component would be good. I see lots of Dads with kids on the weekends at my gym. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:28 PM Flag
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Op: I do this and then during the week, he conveniently “forgets” that I made plans. It happens all the time [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:31 PM Flag
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and then what? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:35 PM Flag
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Then I scramble and ask our nanny to stay late or find someone else to watch the kids. And he acts like it’s no big deal and I overreact. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:36 PM Flag
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That's where you need to go ahead with your plans and he can make the arrangements. DH pulled forgetfulness a few times and then I started treating him like I would manage people at work. "You flubbed up, you figure out." [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:37 PM Flag
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this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:59 PM Flag
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Yep. It's on him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:56 PM Flag
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Use Cosi. I think you need to be more assertive about your needs. Sounds like Mommy spoiled him, and you've done the same. It won't be easy, but get that time for your own stuff for your own sanity. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:51 PM Flag
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Hire a sitter and buy yourself something nice or go spend time with your friends or family that appreciate you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 08:07 PM Flag
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np: but do you enjoy DH taking this break right in your house? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:26 PM Flag
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Why not? Free agent either way. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:27 PM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:29 PM Flag
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Sure! We're not joined at the hip. I don't expect him to be with us all the time. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:29 PM Flag
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I think it is an asshole move to take the break right in your house when your spouse is trying to do the evening routine on a work and school night. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:51 PM Flag
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Depends on what is acceptable in the relationship. For us, it's no big deal because there's some equality there in terms of who does it and when. I posted above that I don't mind but after reading OP's further posts, this isn't even the issue. There's an environment here where the default person to take care of things appears to be OP only. I haven't seen her prior threads but there's enough here to indicate same. Now knowing this disparity, I would have answered differently. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:05 PM Flag
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I agree. Dh and I used to take turns waking up with kids in the morning. I would wake up Saturday and make breakfast while he slept. He would wake up Sunday and take them out for breakfast while I rested. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:39 PM Flag
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I am going to be honest here and clearly I'm the witch of of the board... I would be absolutely livid about this. I'm glad he's close with his mother, but he's taking family time and resources away from the family to do for her to an extraordinary degree. If he wants to be with his mama that bad, he can go on get the hell on. No way. He needs to grow up. Either counseling or kick his ass out. I'm sorry, I married my husband because I wanted a partner, not so I and our kids could be second fiddle to Norman Bates and his mom. Nope. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:47 PM Flag
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+1 sounds like his wife and kids are never a priority. I would go scorched earth over this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:50 PM Flag
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Hmm, but how does this help OP? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:53 PM Flag
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I agree with OR, and I think it helps OP because people are always putting a positive spin on it making her feel crazy for being mad. I'd be pissed too! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:57 PM Flag
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I'm reinforcing what her gut is saying to her, that he's over the top and out of the ordinary with respect to his mother. I bet she feels very alone that she can't talk to people about it without getting a guilt trip ("It's so nice that he's a caring son") or feeling like she's airing her dirty laundry. For whatever it's worth, I want to communicate to her that I too would have a problem with it and it's a big enough deal that I would create some big consequences. She's tried being quiet, she's tried being patient, and there's no improvement and he's just getting more dismissive and disrespectful of his wife and family. I think he needs to know that this is not okay and make a choice to "cleave unto his wife" (I'm not religious so I may have messed that quote up) or to risk losing his family because he's prioritizing his mother over them. I don't care whether it's a parent, a drug, a hobby or whatever, his little family has to come first and he needs to learn that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:59 PM Flag
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This. I'm surprised at the 'just enjoy your time with kids' replies. So he gets the time off, does sightseeing stuff, drinks wine, gets to shed all responsibilities regarding his children but OP should be happy because she could 'eat popcorn in bed'? Huh? Next time mommy dearest is in town, plan the evenings to yourself. Go out, meet friends, book a spa, whatever. Let him deal with mommy and kids. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:07 PM Flag
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Yup. Popcorn in bed is gross. I HATE crumbs in thebed [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:53 PM Flag
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Sure. Popcorn with the kids is one idea, spa day is another. And, who is to say he really enjoys that time with his needy mom, or just feels an obligation to an elderly woman. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:52 PM Flag
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NP: agree, but relationships are a two-way street and from what OP has described above, she allows herself to be the default on everything. This is more than about the MIL, it's about OP's ability to stand up for herself. People will do the minimum if the environment allows. Like I said above, stop covering for DH and let him take responsibility. If that means walking out the door when you have plans and saying "deal with it" than so be it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:19 PM Flag
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Agreed. This is bullcrap and I wouldn't allow it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:51 PM Flag
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I disagree with most of these responses. A week every couple of months with so much fawning is crazy. When you marry someone, they become your first priority relationship-wise. Of course extended family relationships are important, but if OP feels ignored and disrespected then something is wrong. OP, have you tried therapy with someone versed in family systems? That could help you figure out your piece. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:51 PM Flag
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I understand the resentment bubbling beneath. With that being said, this isn't going to change. Like many others here, I say do your thing. Shift the mindset to: can't wait for her to visit -- I'm going to enjoy XYZ. Go somewhere else after work -- a solo dinner -- have bbsitter with the kids. Or take a day off for you while she's in town. Go for a spa day. I had a similar situation. He's now an EX and his mother drives my teens crazy now. So, I really do get it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:51 PM Flag
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This..but perhaps not the ex part. You aren't going to change this, so ask the nanny to stay late, get a sitter and work around it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:54 PM Flag
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NP I don't the problem is the logistics, I think the logistics are a symptom of his complete disregard for his wife in this case. He wants to show off and play the hero treating his mom so well, but literally leaving his wife to walk home in the rain. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:08 PM Flag
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Yes, I get it. Is he going to change? I don't think so. I'm being realistic here. This dude is completely oblivious to the fact that he has a wife and DCs and plays the bachelor while mom is in town. What really burns me is the MIL. She's been a mom -- what the hell? This is never going to change. So, I'm recommending OP create her own life during these times. If he's awesome except for these times then you have to pick your battles AND let him know it's disrespectful, hurtful and sends a clear message of disregard for his family. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:12 PM Flag
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sounds like the mom is really selfish and does not think about anyone except herself. OP, did you post earlier in the year about your mil insisting she be taken to whatever broadway show where tickets were sold out and crazy expensive? Was that you? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:37 PM Flag
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Op: yes! That was on her last visit, in October. Like I said, this situation pops up every couple of months. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:12 PM Flag
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^^and yes, she is pretty selfish. She acts like we are made of money and what’s ours is hers. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:19 PM Flag
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this would KILL me. Uggggh. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:54 PM Flag
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Well, probably compared to her you are. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:13 AM Flag
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When DH gets home: Hey, sweetie, next time you get a car home call me first. I suspect his mother is all consuming in her demands. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:03 PM Flag
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But, if she doesn't ask, he's not going to offer, so she has to speak up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:13 AM Flag
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I get what you're saying. The driving home with car while you have to take the subway is incredibly inconsiderate. I don't think you should get over it when your own husband is disrespectful to you but apart from counselling/ couple therapy I'm not sure what to do. Next time when he 'forgets' to pull his weight with childcare let him deal with the nanny and scramble to get someone. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:57 PM Flag
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YOu haven't changed this, it doesn't appear that you will. I don't know if coming here and having people tell you what an asshole your husband is is going to make things better..though if you need to vent this is a good place. Simply tell him: I need time away just as you do. YOu do that with your mom, and I'm going to do that x number of times a month. We'll have to work it into the budget. I know I'll be more relaxed knowing that I also get time away. Don't do it like an ultimaum, but just that this is what is fair and you're going to do it. I'm going to assume these special occasions with Mom aren't free, so if there's money for that, there should be money for you to take a spa day and hire a sitter.e., g. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:57 PM Flag
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this, also, the mom is just one problem you have. the overarching issue is he doesn't respect your time or bother to remember what you tell him, which would bug even without her in the picture. maybe if you approach it that way rather than hey, your mom sucks, you will get somewhere. or not. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:03 PM Flag
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Also going against the other responses - not inviting her to lunch, getting a car from near her office in the rain, but not asking her if she wanted to ride with them - no wonder OP is pissed. OP, did you come in to the relationship with a lot more money, or do you outearn your dh by a lot? This kind of selfishness that your dh is exhibiting reminds me of a few of my friends who way outearned their husbands, and their husbands really viewed them as only a meal ticket. The issue isn't the out earning (I used to earn more than dh, although now he earns way more and I don't work), the issue is this guy is not able to care for you the way a partner should because he is selfish. These friends are all divorced from those guys now, and they have much better second husbands. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:06 PM Flag
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It sounds like you have grown increasingly resentful with his thoughtless behavior. If you are not in counseling yourself, go. It will help you to understand your experience and respond differently to him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:08 PM Flag
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OP, I cannot believe these responses. Your DH is not a good husband and I'm sorry. Probably not going to change. Decide if you want to stay. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:00 PM Flag
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There's a third option: start standing up for herself with no regrets. He doesn't like it, then she can decide if this marriage is for her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:07 PM Flag
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NP If you do this OP, do not let him get away with gaslighting you that you calling him on his shit is being hysterical or overreacting. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:59 PM Flag
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The core of what’s bothering you is he is not a team player. (The family is the team.) he feels free to do his own thing and own wishes with his mom. He could be devoted to his mom and on the family team and all would be harmonious. I wouldn’t get bogged down in minute questions (who got included in the car service) but the overall team issue. Needs counseling. And likely he can’t or has no interest in changing and will just resent you for “nagging” him. So sorry. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:37 PM Flag
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np: I agree with this response. You really need to talk to him. No ultimatums or resentment or pitting his mom against you- you are the mother of his children too - and that warrants some attention. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:20 PM Flag
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I think a discussion won't lead anywhere except to the same old arguments. The situation with his mother is not going to change until she dies. OP needs to carve out time for herself, and use the attention to his mother as leverage with her DH to get that time to herself (and the money in the budget to fund it.) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:48 PM Flag
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Well this is just making her life alone without him emotionally because she gives up on him. And I do hear you - regrettable but if he can’t understand her thoughts and needs then to stay married all she can do is try to build up her rights and perquisites in a solitary way while in the marriage. Depressing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 07:01 AM Flag
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Not a MIL but a SIL...I always made it a point to be over the top friendly to her. And, I would plan things for the 4 of us to do together. I inserted myself in the relationship by making dinner plans for the four of us, etc. SIl gradually got more comofortable with me, and the whole dynamic shifted from DH jumping to her tune (she can't hold a job or a relationship), to DH asking me to make the plans for the 4 of us. This will be tougher with kids, but might be worth a try. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:02 PM Flag
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As a mom to three boys, I'm secretly glad he does this...but feel your pain. Do you have atleast one girl? Then I can see how you would be angry, since for atleast one child you will not be the dreaded MIL... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 10:11 PM Flag
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As a mom of two boys, I don't understand what you are saying at all! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 02:05 AM Flag
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I can't imagine being secretly glad that I raised a son who is a total asshole to his wife. WTF [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 02:06 AM Flag
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I feel for OP, but perhaps there are issues in the marriage which cause him to look for a validation from his mother? I'm not saying OP doesn't have a point, but if all was well with OP would he want to spend this much time away from her? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:10 AM Flag
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This! I feel so bad for your future DILs. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:46 PM Flag
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mom of two boys - it's not about the boys loving their mom, it's about DH being a terrible DH and not letting his wife have breaks. OP, unless your DH makes a lot more than you and is willing to shell out financially, you need counselling and/or move on [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:49 AM Flag
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Next time be away from evening chores. Make a girls out night. Have some work obligation and don’t return before 10. He will do bedtime. Then be too tired to get kids ready in morning. Let home do that. If he is ignoring his family then “You” are enabling him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:25 PM Flag
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I would be furious, obviously your husband idolizes his mother while devalues you. I'm not saying he does this on purpose, most probably they have a narcissistic dynamic in their mother-son relationship and treating you this way feels natural to both. Go see a therapist or better yet take your husband with you and see a couple's therapist. This is something that could blow up in the following years, deal with this sooner than later. You have all the right to demand the respect you deserve. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 11:44 PM Flag
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I don't one follows the other. I'm going to guess that the DH feels responsible for his mother. It may also be that his mother raised him with the expectation that women did all the childcare without any participation from the father. So, this seems normal to him (I swear my husband's mother was still returning his library books for him when he was in high school and ironed his shirts when she went to visit him when he was a full-time, respected lawyer. And, it was shock to him that ironed shirts didn't spontaneously occur in his closet after we married.) When OP tries to explain to him in emotional terms, he shuts down because he then feels guilty about neglecting his family. I think the key is for OP to assert herself without trying to change him. His Mom has a emotional hold on him and short of her death that is not going to end. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:09 AM Flag
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OP why are you waiting for his permission to take a break? He has set the precedent that it is okay to spend family money on personal priorities. Once a year, I go off on a solo trip...to see a friend, to go to a spa. Once a year, DH takes the kids camping. DH isn't working every night and all weekend. Sign up for a class, pay for it, tell him on Wed. night, e.g., you're going to French cooking class. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:12 AM Flag
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I'm in a very similar situation as you. DH's father died when DH was a teenager and MIL never remarried and just relies on her sons for everything. MANY guilt trips that DH falls for every.single.time. MIL just had a (minor) stroke and DH is absolutely falling apart because of it. I say this to warn you - try to get this under control now before MIL REALLY becomes needy. It will blow up in your face. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:35 AM Flag
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NP: You know, if I had a stroke I would hope that my children would care and that their spouses would care as well. Most of the posters here are harsh with the MIL, but let's try to remember...most of us will be widowed, most of us will have years of living alone after years of raising a family, many of us will be unprepared for that solitude having spent years raising kids and pursuing careers. You think this MIL won't be you, I hope not, and I hope not me either, but her circumstances will be ours if not her demands. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:12 PM Flag
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No, I get it. We're all rallying around her. My point is that his reaction has been very extreme, he's having trouble handling the changes in her. I've thought about what it would be like for my own mother to have a stroke and how I would react - his is OTT. And, thankfully, she's pretty much recovered. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:38 PM Flag
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I’d be so livid. I’d just ignore his texts and do my own thing and see where that gets me. Like, stop doing his laundry and only cook enough for myself and kids and let him fend for himself since that’s what he expects you to do. I would drink all the wine in the house and stop getting stuff that he needs. Let him figure out his own dry cleaning and anything else that pertains to him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 04:15 AM Flag
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I know that’s extremely petty but the only way he can feel your pain [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 04:20 AM Flag
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NP: Don’t start right away. Do it gradually but be firm. You have to stop killing yourself and share responsibilities. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:17 PM Flag
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Jeez. This is the kind of thing 6th graders do. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:41 PM Flag
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I remember you & I'm on your side. When she's there, grab yourself a taxi when DH snubs you, book a nanny to help you with the DCs at night, and go and have a nice evening with friends etc, etc. They ignore you and leave you out, treat them with the same nonchalent attitude. Just be very chirpy about all that. That would be my way of dealing with that sh.. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 08:06 AM Flag
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But why would OP need a sitter when both DH and her children's grandmother is actually at home sipping wine? DH should manage bedtime and have mommy help him if he's not capable of doing this himself. The onus shouldn't be on OP to deal with everything when MIL visits. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 02:45 PM Flag
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Then why OP is dealing with it. Is there no third glass of wine. I will sit with MIL and sip wine and when kids are crying I will ask either DH or MIL to help nicely “Oh they really miss grand ma, dd was telling me how her BF grandma puts her to sleep”. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 03:20 PM Flag
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Jeez. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:23 PM Flag
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Jeez. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:23 PM Flag
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Jeez. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:23 PM Flag
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This is really is all kind of passive aggressive bullshit. Instead of coming here and getting validation OP make an appointment for a family therapist and have your MIL be part of those discussions. If you don't like something, don't nag, there are professionals out there who are good at helping families change their relationships so go find one. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 05:14 PM Flag
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Bc DC don't have to suffer to make their dad do his part. If it was the laundry, of course I'd leave it to DH, but I'm not using the kids to get my point across. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.12.19, 03:15 AM Flag
[ - ] Is anyone else experiencing increased work anxiety as they age? It's a bit odd since I gain more experience year by year. But for some reason, little stuff is getting to me more and more. As budgets and timelines keep decreasing it's harder and harder to do projects and do them well. I end up taking on all this guilt and blame that I can't find great vendors to complete these projects and I worry that my coworkers think I'm bad at my job. You always find someone who can help out at whichever budget level. But it's just an increasingly crappy process and I really wish I could have a zero stress job. Does that even exist? Anyway, that's my whining for the day. CSB I know. 24 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:48 PM Flag
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I just turned 56 and was experiencing a lot of work anxiety before I switched from private practice to the public sector. In my old position, part of it was "is this what I want to be doing in 10 years?" I had to make the leap for my own peace of mind. There are still stressful days but I feel like I'm in better control of my destiny. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:51 PM Flag
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Yes! And following this sinch I need some moral support. Im 42 - have been in my industry for 20 years, and feel like more of a fraud with every passing year. Have actually started therapy specifically to discuss work anxiety. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:51 PM Flag
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OP: Is the therapy helping? I'm a 100% single parent, so I can't really do a career switch without taking a salary dive which just doesn't work. I'm wondering if I need to just leave NYC, but we have such a great community here that starting over elsewhere seems tough too...especially when I'm not sure just how much of a financial advantage it would provide. Oh what I'd give to throw a second income at my life. :) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:03 PM Flag
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NP: I'm retired, I'm still anxious. I think anxiety drives me to try new things, to challenge myself and I've just learned to accept that being anxious isn't all bad. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:19 PM Flag
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The therapy is helping, but its not a cure all. I have more tools to use to talk myself down after a bad day, but I still have bad days! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:54 PM Flag
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not sure how old your dc is, but one of the great things about NYC is that tweens+ can get around the city by themselves easily and the schools offer tons of after school activities. also, if you go from community to no community, you might get really depressed and sad. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:28 AM Flag
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OP: He's almost 9. I really want to stick it out here. I love NYC, rats and urine be damned. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:44 PM Flag
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Do "good enough". I think as we get older we expect a more perfect performance...good enough, is perfect. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:14 PM Flag
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OP: I like this. I really need to get comfortable with 'good enough.' I always worry that I'm not nailing everything perfectly and honestly, I'm making ads, I'm not curing cancer. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:16 PM Flag
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Do "good enough". I think as we get older we expect a more perfect performance...good enough, is perfect. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:14 PM Flag
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Sorry..meant to go with the anxious thread. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:15 PM Flag
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Yes. Ageism is huge and somehow no one is getting slapped for it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:41 PM Flag
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THIS. I'm an HR executive and it's real and it's active. It's becoming a larger topic. I left corporate world to start my own company and to start a side hustle. It's not feasible for everyone but I felt that if I didn't start carving out work on my own terms I'd be left on the curb for some silly reason because of my age. I quit corporate world at 42. Was offered new opportunities but honestly, I can't live with this sickening feeling in my stomach that one day someone is going to rip everything out from under me because of internal politics and well I'm "old" so let's get rid of her. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:56 PM Flag
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I worked for a major media company in NYC and my co-workers were getting kicked out the door as soon as they hit 50. You never saw "older" people in the hallways or elevators, not that 50 is even old. I was 40 and felt like I was the grandmother of the company. Have since switched jobs and its such a relief to not be the oldest. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:06 PM Flag
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OH MY GOD YES. 47 years old and have been at my company for 21 years and I get so anxious these days over the day-to-day things I've been doing for decades it's CRAZY. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:53 PM Flag
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Anyone else struggling with being a leader as you get older? When I was young, I was a worker bee and that was fine for my personality. In order to make more money, I have to become an authority figure, which is not something I'm comfortable with (in my 40s). Feel like I don't deserve to be in charge. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:57 PM Flag
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I remind myself of this: There are fewer days ahead of me than behind me...do I really want to waste those days in constant ruminations? This may cause more stress..though! Just don't waste your emotions, find something you love and do more of that...I've found that to be the best release of anxiety. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:02 PM Flag
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OP: Thanks for this. But when you say 'find something you love' - do you mean outside hobbies? I have to work. And I have over 2 decades in this industry, so I don't see leaving it and being able to pay my bills. How do you deal with the stress of work when you know you can't really leave it? Meditation? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:15 PM Flag
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This sounds cliched but start taking some classes and find that thing that is your thing. It could be photography, playing the cello, working for the local Sierra Club. If you have other areas in your life where you can develop that nonwork part of yourself, I think that helps. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:58 PM Flag
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OP: Good idea. I've been meaning to start taking some cooking classes. I think I let the whole single parent thing stop me. Hiring the sitter + cost of classes and then being away from my kid just makes doing things for me a bit more challenging. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 07:10 PM Flag
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Do something on-line! Just find a YouTube video series you like and cook through it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 02:19 AM Flag
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OP: That is a great idea. No sitter and I can do it whenever. Not sure why I didn't think of that. Thanks! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:44 PM Flag
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i hear you. but that same awareness that you are closer to the end of your life than the beginning- its a bit anxiety provoking in itself! lol. but yes, you need to have perspective to focus on whats truly impt and to value how you spend your waking hours [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:17 PM Flag
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Yep, but I've learned to think about that as a way of cutting through bullshit..! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 06:58 PM Flag
[ - ] What basic beauty service (facial, manicures) do you feel like "everyone" does but you can't be bothered with? 19 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:20 PM Flag
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Basically everything except getting my hair done and pedicures during the summer months. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:21 PM Flag
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Facials, manicures, pedicures, hair coloring, waxing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:22 PM Flag
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manicures, but i also do not bother with makeup or blow drying my hair. so. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:22 PM Flag
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facials (only once in a blue moon) and blow outs for events. I do my own hair and keep it simple [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:24 PM Flag
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I only get my hair cut and colored, but that’s normal for my crowd - people here seem to go in for a lot of grooming and makeup. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:31 PM Flag
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I do my own nails and pedicures because I do a better job, also never get my hair done because when I have, it's been meh. I do get weekly massages though, but I guess that's not beauty. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:34 PM Flag
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I've never had a manicure. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:39 PM Flag
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I had one once, but didn't care for it at all. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:39 PM Flag
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I've never had a facial or paid for a blowout [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 03:59 PM Flag
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Facials are a total waste of $$ and time. Blowouts to me are so wasteful. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:35 PM Flag
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I agree about facials as there is so much you can do at home easily. Blowouts though are a special skill, especially depending on your hair type. I have a head full of curly ringlets that I love, but when I want to wear it straight, I can blow it out myself and then flat iron it which takes forever and always comes out very mediocre to bad, or go get a blow out in a third of the time and it looks amazing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:43 PM Flag
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But it's still a splurge because you want your curly hair straight. I agree blowouts are good for events and such, but just for the fun of it it seems very wasteful to me. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:57 PM Flag
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manicures. they last less than a week and are toxic! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:00 PM Flag
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they now have non toxic long lasting polishes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:30 AM Flag
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I've never been to a derm. Bought some Retin A online and everything else is non-prescription. No facials at salons, but I do masks at home. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 04:37 PM Flag
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Figuring out how to put on makeup correctly. I know I could just hire someone to show me one time and I'd be good to go, but instead I just slap on mascara from Duane Reade. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 05:38 PM Flag
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I desperately need someone to show me. How do I find someone who will be interested in teaching me? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 09:57 PM Flag
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All of it except bathing. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.10.19, 10:16 PM Flag
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botox and lasers [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 12.11.19, 01:30 AM Flag
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